December 12, 2017 Christmas Is Quickly Approaching

Something very special happened again today - a good friend gave me an early Christmas gift. I've received quite a few unexpected gifts from friends over the last few months and this brings me so much happiness, more than I can begin to describe. Why is this sort of thing so special to me? I'd like to take a moment to talk a bit about these sorts of things and also why I'm so grateful for the wonderful blessings in my life. Please join me for a moment.

Today after the book reading group at church my friend Daniel walked up to me carrying a box in his hands. "Merry Christmas Jamie", he said handing me the box. "I was shopping for some things and saw this curling iron. I thought you might like it. Merry Christmas."

I was very excited as I struggled to open the box. I'd been wanting a curling iron and had been looking at some in the 20 to 25 dollar range but money still being rather tight I had to pass on it. I hadn't told anyone about wanting this, my hair is getting fairly long and because of the hormones is also getting thicker. It looks okay just combed nicely but a curling iron could work wonders. He handed me a key to cut a piece of tape that was holding the flap on the box closed. The key worked to cut through the tape but I was so excited about this gift I kept fumbling and couldn't seem to get it open. This wasn't just a cheap curling iron but a very nice professional type. Daniel offered to help taking the box and opening it for me.

He opened it and handed it back to me. I took the curling iron from the box and looked it over. It had a special motorized roller, different temperature settings, a timer to keep it tight for just the right amount of time and release it for the perfect curl, a beautiful carrying case, and much much more.

"Oh thank you thank you Daniel. This is incredible. You shouldn't have spent so much money but thank you so much", I told him. I was happy to nearly the point of tears and gave him a big hug. "I know you aren't really the hugging type but you know me...Please, just this once."

Daniel just smiled and said, "It's okay. I really didn't spend that much. But I saw it and thought you'd really like it so I got it for you. Merry Christmas."

Why is it that something like a curling iron could make me so happy? Let me tell you a little more before I explain. Okay? Thanks.

Last week I went to my friend Joy's to go for our regular walk. We sat down at the kitchen table for a few minutes to chat before walking.

"Oh by the way" Joy said, "I was going through some clothes to donate and found these shirts. You really need to wear something nicer than that old grey shirt... something a little more feminine. I saw these and right away thought of you." It's been getting cooler now with winter coming and I really did need some nice long sleeve tops but there's that old money issue getting in the way again. These shirts were very nice and I was thrilled to get them.

What's the big deal about some hand me downs? Just a little more and I promise to get to the point.

Last week Curtis and I were shopping for things for the Tree Decorating party, game night, and Campfire at the church. We needed to get things like food, little gifts, and other odds and ends. We seemed to keep going past the isles where they sell makeup and things. Curtis was teasing me a bit about how all these seemed to have "Jamie" written all over them. He is quite funny and always keeps me laughing. A minister that was previously a stand-up comic can have a special sense of humor. Curtis excels at both.

At one point we passed a section with makeup brushes. I saw some on sale that I really liked, I suppose it was obvious that I really liked them and wanted them but had to put them back on the shelf and walk away. Need I bring up the financial situation again? I won't. And I don't mean to sound as if I'm so poor and struggling just to survive, it's nothing like that at all, but I do have to watch my spending on things that aren't really necessities. Things like curling irons, long sleeve shirts, and makeup brushes have to stay low on the list.

So guess what? After we had gotten all that was needed for the celebration we went through the cash register line and he paid for all the things we'd gotten. After all the bagging was done Curtis reached into a bag and took out the makeup brushes I'd liked so much. "Merry Christmas Jamie." He said handing the package to me - he had paid for some of the things out of his own pocket and my gift was of course among those items. I was so happy, with a huge smile on my face I accepted my wonderful gift while seeing myself using them in my imagination.

There's been more. But this is enough for you to get the idea and now I can get to the point (finally).

Why do I get so excited about these things? It's not that they're rare or expensive gifts. They're not things I'd searched high and low for. I'm not so materialistic or spoiled that I have to have everything I get a little whim for. None-the-less these things are very special treasures to me. Think about it. Daniel during his busy day saw something he had no use for himself but thought, "Jamie would really like this." Joy while trying to get some work done saw some things and thought, "Jamie would really like this." Curtis in the hustle and bustle of shopping and party preparation saw something and thought, "Jamie would really like this."

I love my friends so much. They're very special and talented people who I look up to. We have many heart to heart conversations about the important things in life. I like to get them gifts too when I can. The thing is that it's not so much the material things we exchange that mean so much but the fact that someone who holds a special place in our heart feels the same way about us. We see each other as precious enough that just imaging  the smile it will bring is a gift we can all share.

Happy holidays and the best of blessings to everyone. I wish for many moments of happiness for you and the very special people in your life. I hope my little stories that I share can bring some joy and a smile to you. I was sitting here getting ready for bed and thought to myself, "This may be something you would really like." It's not much but I hope it makes you happy.

December 5, 2017 - Wildfires, The Holiday Season, And Hoping To Find A Job

The wildfires in Southern California are hitting very close to home. There's a lot of smoke blowing through the area and it feels pretty creepy. They have told us to be ready to evacuate tonight. I have actually been much closer to fires in the past and never had to evacuate. Right now I'm just hoping that the power stays on.

The holiday season is upon us and I'm so excited. This year is the first time I've actually been looking forward to it. There had been some very difficult years of personal loss in all areas of my life. I'd lost family, life savings, and even my home which left my cats and I living in the car for 7 long months. I have no cats right now for the first time in as long as I can remember. Although my overall situation is okay I'm living what I guess you'd call a life style which is very different for me. I had become terribly lost and alone for a long time. It's quite interesting though that as soon as I got back into my transitioning mode - taking hormones again and just starting to live in the gender I truly am, my life began to turn around so much for the better. It can be very hard sometimes though and at Sunday service when they started speaking of Christmas with family and all and then started playing some seasonal music I couldn't hold back the tears. It was all that I could do to try to not let anyone see. I don't think anyone noticed. I just felt so alone and remembered those Christmases with my cats, family, and having a nice place of my own along with being what I believed to be very secure financially - both then and for the future. Life can change quickly and we don't always understand why. Overall I'm so thankful for all of my new friends and the community I've become a part of. I'm so grateful to have been born into this life as the person I am which among so many other things is transgender. Somehow I feel so good about this. I'm happy and grateful to have the process moving along so well. Life is really something isn't it?

I'm also hoping to get back to work. My career was in electronics mostly doing software and hardware test, evaluation, and repair. I also have a great deal of experience in technical writing and also working in the IT department. Right now there's talk of companies needing to have quotas filled in regard to the gender spectrum. I can't honestly say that I'm so much in favor of that but I will certainly take advantage if I can. I can be a great asset to an employer since I can help fill the quota as a transgender and I'd be much more than a token filling a spot, I'm actually very good at what I do. Now I just need to find a decent employer that will feel that way too. If not my old career then I may need to discover my other hidden talents. I like to write and will continue to do that but I'm not so crazy about poverty so a regular job would be nice. I've always done a lot of volunteer work and of course will continue doing that. It's very important to me. If anyone out there thinks they may be interested in what I have to offer as an employee please contact me so we can discuss it and perhaps I could send a copy of my resume.

I seem to have a pretty good following with this blog and it would be so nice to hear from some of you. I find people to be quite fascinating and like to hear your stories. If you'd like you can click here to get to my Facebook page (it should open in a new window). You can always leave comments on the blog or follow my email link to share some thoughts.

I guess that about wraps it up for today. I hope everyone is have a happy holiday season. Let's all be a source of light and love in the world, you know you have so much to offer and are perfect just the way you are. We truly are all manifestations of the divine walking a very special and sacred path in this life. Love, blessings, and happiness to all. Of course a great big hug to you too.

November 24, 2017 Thanksgiving, Black Friday, And The Christmas Season Begins

First I'd like to offer you all a free gift of the kindle version of my latest book. You can get it at Amazon by following this link: This Little Light Of Mine - Jamie, Free Download. It's available for free on November 25 and 26. If you like it, you might consider getting a copy of the paperback version for someone special to you. It can make a nice gift for Christmas. I'm currently working on the audio version and a sequel has been started. Thanks.

So let's catch up a bit shall we?

Hi everyone. It's the evening of the day after Thanksgiving - what has commonly become referred to as 'Black Friday', and the first day of Christmas madness. How very odd isn't it? I mean honestly, the days we set aside to celebrate our deepest gratitude for the most important things in our lives, family, friends, peace on earth goodwill to all... But the mobs gather to fight for the best deals on junk that nobody really wants or needs. How is it that we've come to almost worship hypocrisy and disconnection from our most precious values?

It really is worth thinking a bit about.

We supposedly celebrate the pilgrims coming to this land and becoming friends with the indigenous people here. I think we all know that certainly isn't the way it happened. Did you know that it was actually Abraham Lincoln that declared this day at the end of November a day to stop and share our gratitude? We've come to accept these myths and legends of history as if they were fact even though I don't think that anybody really believes much of it anymore. There is no Santa Claus but still we hope for the miraculous manifestation of gifts. Token gestures of charity are given in some patronizing gesture as we pause between the bouts of the insanity called 'Christmas shopping'.

I really don't mean to be so hard on us. I think the holiday season is very nice and I'm having the best time that I've had in many years. Really, I believe that when all is said and done, it really is that blessing of being with the ones we love that we all look forward to and cherish so deeply. Maybe the gifts are not always so important really as the joy we get in seeing the face of someone we care about as they receive the treasure we've gotten them. Honestly, I am a hopeless romantic who for some reason sees the strange dichotomies of life as we live it in our society. The truth is that satisfaction and happiness are on the same coin as more negative things. It's just the way things are.

I'm so happy and thankful because this year has been quite incredible for me. This really is the first holiday season that I've been truly happy about in many years. I was going to start listing things that I'm grateful for but perhaps let's just share a moment of quiet peace, love, and gratitude together. I hope many of you get a free copy of my book, I want so much to share my light with the world. Thanks for stopping by. Maybe you can leave a comment or send me an email sometime. I really would love to hear from you.

Blessings always.

November 20, 2017 Transgender Day Of Remembrance

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything and I do apologize. We get busy and try to prioritize but my goodness how time flies. Our beautiful garden at my church that I so love to tend has completed this year's crop and is now withering and going to seed. Time to clear the past and prepare for the new using some of the seeds left behind from the previous crop to start the new one. This is so metaphoric at this time in my life. Joan and I have both been so busy that we haven't been able to spend the time we'd like in tending to the needs of our precious life affirming project of growing vegetables for us, our church, and our community. But we do as we can.

Joan put on a beautiful piano recital at church. Curtis, although not a fully ordained minister, has been approved with limited standing to take over pastoral duties. I'm so happy. This just seems like such a natural thing for him. I did a 10 minute piece for our November 12 service on what it is to be both Christian and transgender exploring my faith and finding our wonderful church. I've also started helping with cleaning the church. I recently created and assigned myself the title, "Promiscuous Volunteer" since I get involved in pretty much any project that someone needs help with. I like doing these things and so much enjoy our little community.

Well there is a very important reason for me getting myself together and writing today. I do want to get back into the regular habit of posting here but today it's important to share this. It's getting little if any media coverage.

Today is Transgender Day Of Remembrance. Today we take time to recall the transgenders that have lost their lives due to violence. It's a very sad thing. There have been around 900 known cases of violence resulting in death against us in 2017 alone. If you've read my book, This Little Light Of Mine, you'll know that I was once left for dead in my own home and survived only by some sort of divine in intervention. What I've only recently started to share is how I was also the target of a stranger's handgun Fortunately for me  I got away unharmed but discovered a couple of very large bullet holes in my car. Another very troubling thing for me is the almost weekly mass attacks and killing going on right here in the United States. This is horrible and is getting to be more than I can wrap my mind around. But today we recall the transgenders whose lives have been taken from them. Please take a moment of quiet prayer as you know it to the God in your heart. Please take a moment of quiet peace and love for the transgenders who lost their lives for doing nothing more than being the beautiful creation they were meant to be.

I'm not real big on posting pictures of myself but today I'm going to as a show of solidarity with my transgender brothers and sisters. May we all be blessed. LGBTQ+ and cis-gender heterosexual as well. We all share this world. Let's share our love.

UCC - Simi Valley Transgender Day Of Remembrance

Friday September 22, 2017

 

Yes, This is me - Jamie. Just thought I'd share.

It's been a while hasn't it? Yes, as usual I've been been busy busy busy. I have a little something to share today. Just another one of those,"The way I see things." Anyhow...

I’ve been trying to make sense of some things for so many years and I do believe something of an answer has finally presented itself. Those of you that have read my book will understand better, if you haven’t, I think it will still make sense on some level. Let me give it a try…

I imagined myself to be a butterfly, fluttering along on a beautiful day, following my course, following my heart. I suddenly had to decide, for just a moment, whether to continue to follow my heart or to be what I thought was responsible (I swear, I can be as dumb as a rock sometimes). I chose to be responsible and made a slight turn. A few days later I heard about a big big storm whose path had altered, only slightly, but altered because of the flapping of my wings when I chose not to follow my heart. A tiny edge of this storm touched in a location that would have otherwise been avoided had I stayed on my path - following my heart. The result of this tiny deviation had an unforeseeable consequence – a consequence so ghastly, so awful, it never would’ve even entered my mind. Someone I cared so deeply for was taken from me, taken from this life in the most awful way. “It’s not your fault, you can’t blame yourself” they said. I already knew that. To make matters worse, this same chain of events occurred a second time and because of my decision, someone else I cared deeply for was taken from this life. I want to add that I myself have avoided similar consequences that only by what I see as divine intervention, am I here to tell this story (this divine intervention has happened for me more than once, I only wrote about the most dramatic in my book).

So why am I still here but those very special others aren’t?

I don’t know.

The point is, the answer that finally presented itself is that while I know that what ultimately happened is not my fault – I didn’t cause the storms, I also know that I played a decisive role in the events that played themselves out. No, it’s not a burden of guilt that I carry, no, it’s a heart that’s been shattered in ways I can’t begin to describe. I really am a very happy person by nature. I guess we all have our moments.

Monday September 4, 2017 - Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day All. There's so much going on in the world, President Donald Trump said this, someone said that about Barrack Obama, Hurricane Harvey was terrible, North Korea is doing stuff, Climate Change, Global Warming, and blah blah blah. That's all very interesting but is not the topic here, well not today anyhow. I'm just hoping to share perspectives with others, and like my book, it happens to be the world or life the way it appears to me.

It’s been a few days. How about we catch up...

I’ve been having a good time today, haven’t done a lot, but it’s been fun. I started the day by going to Target to get some shopping done and to give my friend Curtis a ride home from work, work for Curtis happens to be Target. I always have such a good time with him, I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone that could make me laugh so much. Somehow something as simple as a short shopping trip becomes an adventure. Actually Target is just his part-time job, well one of them, he’s also a minister (almost) at our church UCC – Simi Valley, and a full time student studying theology and graduating soon. He used to be a standup comic so you can imagine his sermons – you should stop in some Sunday morning and see what I mean. UCC – Simi Valley is a really different kind of church.

We haven’t been doing much work in the garden recently, we being my friend Joan and I. It’s just been so brutally hot! The season is sadly almost over, the crops are waning, and the heat only made things worse. I did the announcement during the service Sunday telling everyone that we have veggies for sale. I enjoy doing that. My little commercial went something like this:

“Well everyone you know its September and winter is almost here. Soon we won’t have any veggies for sale – for a while anyhow. So remember the story of the industrious little ant that worked hard all summer stocking up on UCC veggies and preparing for winter. Well the cold winter winds began to blow one day and the grasshopper that had been playing his fiddle all summer and just enjoying the sun found himself cold and hungry unprepared for winter. Mr. Grasshopper went to Mr. Ant’s house and pleaded, ‘Please Mr. Ant, I’m so cold and hungry, won’t you please help me?’ Now Mr. Ant was in a very good mood with his tummy full of UCC’s fine veggies and he decided to let Mr. Grasshopper in to have something to eat. They got along so well that they fell in love, got married, and lived happily ever after. Find out how UCC veggies can change your life too, on sale in the kitchen after today’s service for a donation of whatever you see fit.”

Well they seemed to like it. I like to take traditional stories and put my own spin on them to share the way I see things. I love my little church and all the people there, we really are a bit different when it comes to churches. I suppose I’m a bit different when it comes to people, or so I’m told.

We had Game Night and campfire on Saturday. The games were fun. We didn’t have a campfire though – it was just so hot! We stayed inside and played our games until around nine. Usually the campfire lasts until around ten. Everyone was having a good time. I had a great time.

Tomorrow morning its back to the garden with Joan - lots of weeds that need pulling. I hope everyone is having a nice holiday.

Wednesday August 30, 2017

Welcome to Wednesday. It’s going to be hot today but right now at 8:30 AM it’s still very pleasant.

So anyhow…

I’ve just been thinking about how interconnected everything is. It’s hard to imagine the far reaching consequences of our decisions and actions. I suppose there are things that will haunt me for my entire life. Little things I did that really seemed inconsequential at the time but ended up having devastating life changing outcomes. How can this be? Then again there are the big decisions we make that seem to just fizzle out. But who knows? All the things that end up becoming what we call our life are actually putting together a structure that could at any time suddenly make all of our dreams come true. There’s just so much going on within and around us that we have no conscious awareness of. I like to think that as long as we’re respectful to each other, ourselves, and the world around us things will be more or less okay

.

We’re all part of something so much greater than ourselves, kind of like a single cell in a body. Each of us plays different roles in what so often seems like a rather isolated performance but fits into something much bigger, something that ultimately is an intrinsic part in all of eternity. No really, there’s a reason we are who we are. Maybe somewhere deep inside we have a much deeper wisdom and understanding than we could ever imagine. Each of us truly is on a sacred path knowing things we don’t even know we know.

I have to go for now. Maybe we can meet again a little later.

Tuesday August 29, 2017

This last week has been quite busy. Class on Nonviolent Communication Thursday, the plant sale Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, Game Night at my friend Joy's on Saturday night, church service Sunday morning, Monday took a break, Tuesday morning my book reading club, and Tuesday afternoon Community Dinner at my church. It's also been brutally hot here in Simi Valley. They're predicting temps as high as 109 this week. It was so hot today, around 100, that we put extra tables inside the church so folks could cool off while they ate.

I've added another page to this blog, A Little More About My Latest Book. I just want to share more about what's in the book. Through my life I've had what I suppose would be considered a lot of pretty strange experiences - many of them spiritual. Some of the spiritual experiences I can't even begin to describe and have had a profound effect on me. Well I just hope people like the book, I've really opened up about things that I've rarely if ever shared. The thing is that I do want the world to know about them and putting them together in a book just happened kind of on it's own.

So today has been a nice day. Besides what I've already mentioned I also had a delicious lunch at an Indian restaurant. My friend Celia bought lunch for my friend Curtis and I. I like them both so much. Celia is a fluid male-female. She was born male but likes to express herself as female with no desire to actually become female. You'd never know that she's really male if you ever met her. Curtis is very openly gay, is an almost ordained minister, and used to be a stand-up comic. I love when he does the service. Both are very intelligent wonderful people. I really have been lucky with the friends I've made over the years.

We haven't had much time to work in the garden lately. Just so much has been going on.

Well that's it for today. I'm really tired and need to go to bed. Sweet dreams all.

Friday August 25, 2017

Pablo Picasso said, "The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away." I've always liked that quote and it seems a good way to start today's post. I was doing some editing on my latest book yesterday. Even though it's already been published and is being circulated on kindle there were a couple of little things that my proof reader missed. The nice thing about kindle is that changes can always be made if need be. I'm ready to publish the paperback but am still waiting for the cover to be completed. Part 2 has a real good start but finding the time to work on it is getting a little difficult. Well shining my little light to the world through these books and this blog feels to be the thing for me to do. It may be a lot of work but it's a labor of love. In This Little Light Of Mine I talk about a bunch of strange experiences and encounters that I've been a part of. Part 2 continues the adventure but moves from Milwaukee to California.

In a couple of chapters of the first book I talk about losing people close to me in terribly tragic ways. It was difficult to write about those things and even more heart wrenching to go back and relive them over and over while editing. I'm very often haunted by the thought that my life would likely be very different, as would the lives of others, if I had on those two occasions just followed what my heart was telling me. I understand that I'm not responsible for what happened but just knowing that my response had such a dramatic effect on the events that followed really hurts. It's so important to listen to what our heart tells us. Well in any case, I'm grateful for what I've been blessed with. I had to laugh one day when at an appointment with my physician. I was telling him about some of the things I’ve experienced and now write about. When the appointment was finished and we were walking towards the front desk, he stopped, turned towards me and said, “You know it’s amazing that you’ve turned out so well adjusted.” What can I say, he is a doctor after all and I agree with his diagnosis, well most of the time…

Yesterday was a nice day. It started with meeting Joan at the church to begin getting ready for this weekend’s plant sale fund raising event. Working in the garden, being involved in things like the plant sale and community dinner, and so many other activities I’m involved in at my church are so rewarding – more like “labors of love” than like work. Last night I attended a group on something called nonviolent communication. It was really good and many of my friends were there. I think everybody there would be defined as “friend” but some I’m closer to and spend more time with than others. Joan and her husband John were there, they are such nice people, talented, well educated, and so much more than “book smart”. Of course Curtis was there too. I like Curtis so much. Maybe it’s because he’s close to my age and is very openly gay so we have a lot of things to talk about. He’s nearly an ordained minister and is so smart and funny. He has an incredible knowledge of theology and I have a deep interest in that. Everybody loves Curtis. He and I have had many long conversations together. I'm so lucky to have such wonderful friends.

So about last night’s group. It was very interesting but a couple of things caught me off guard. I’ve been feeling a bit down lately and while everyone else was sitting together in the first row that curved around the speaker, I felt compelled to sit back a row and a little off to myself. I was encouraged to move closer and more into the group but just couldn’t. In one part we were asked to pick out between one and three cards that had been scattered on the floor. Each card had a word printed on it describing an emotion. I chose “Scared”, “Lonely”, and “Grateful”. But then we were asked to join up with someone to express how we felt about our choice of word-cards. Uh oh, I wasn’t ready for that. A nice woman came and sat next to me. I asked her to go first because I just couldn’t discuss my cards. It went well as I listened to her. When it was my turn I still couldn’t do it. She asked me why and the best I could do was show the card that said “Scared”. It’s just too hard to open up about these things. I feel welcome and accepted by everyone I know but there’s issues lurking inside that I doubt anyone would guess. Oh well, what are you going to do? Curtis had sat sort of next to me between the first row where everyone else was and the next row that I was sitting in. I was happy that he did. We ended up talking quite a bit. I really like him.

Today is laundry day and tonight I’m meeting Joan and others to get a few more things together for the plant sale. It’s also my friend Jeanne’s birthday and she’s having a sort of get-together at a nice bar/pizza place that will have live music. I want to go but am so short on money again this month. I can’t afford to do a lot but I’d really like to get to this. We’ll see.

Let me finish today’s post with what seems to be becoming my little catch phrase. It’s not much but here we go…

Hugs and blessings to all.

Jamie