I went to an event celebrating Trans Visibility Day last Saturday in Santa Barbara
with my very special and talented friend Celia who spoke and did a musical performance for
the show. Celia grew up in India and is what is known as gender fluid since she
likes presenting herself as female but has no desire to be anything but the
male gender she was born into. Celia has a wife and adult child that know she
goes out as female, she is only attracted to women and is quite dedicated to and
happy with her wife. I, on the other hand, am what I suppose would be
considered the classic text book mtf transgender who sees the external genitals
I was born with as a hideous birth defect that I want to remove and preferably
get fixed. I like men and have never had children. Everyone has their own way
of expressing themselves on the great gender spectrum as it is commonly referred
to. I happen to love being trans female even though I find my current parts
repulsive – on me that is, but can be very pleasant on someone else. So I often
wonder why there is so much shame that many want to impose on being trans. I
was created this way and it is very real and natural to me. In my heart of
hearts I’m just a sweet little spiritual hippy chick sharing my gifts in the
best way I know. Everyone is different, even among trans and all lgbtq+ as well
as cis hetero people.
So what’s to be ashamed of?
It’s very sad that many trans are self-loathing but
what to me can be even worse are the people we love and care for being ashamed
to be associated with us. I can’t begin to tell you the pain in hearing a
friend or lover tell me they don’t want anyone to see us together for fear that
it will be assumed that a sexual relationship is going on. First of all why should people enjoying each others friendship imply anything at all? But I also have to ask, if being attracted
to me on a sexual level is so awful, why do so many find it so arousing? I’m
not kinky and need to love and be loved like anyone else. Of course not
everyone feels this fear or shame and I have an incredible level of
appreciation and respect for those who do accept and stand with us. I love being
trans even though I had no say in the matter, the folks that take me for who I
am and stand by me do so by choice – they are the heroes in my heart.
But can you imagine, someone actually falling in love with me and wanting to express that love? Oh the depravity of it all! Trans are only here to fulfill kinky sexual fantasies because we are just sick perverts after all.
You know what? My heart can love a much deeper love
than you might ever imagine.
I will give my heart to something or someone without
hesitation and I’ve certainly cried my share of tears but I have a special way
of looking at it. I see my passion and my love as my life’s currency and will
risk disappointment or a broken heart with eyes wide open, but there is a
condition… I look at the spending of this very valuable treasure as an
investment and I do expect a return on my investments. Of course I sometimes
win and I sometimes loose, I may receive a heart of gold or I may cry a river
of tears but still receive an ocean of love and in the end that makes it all
worthwhile and I will continue to take the chance.
So anyhow, the reason behind the Trans Visibility
event is to encourage folks to show the world who they are and hopefully become
more accepted. I hope that this blog, the pictures I share, and of course my
book will in some small way be my contribution to the cause. I love who I am
and I hope you all feel the same about yourself.
Big hugs and blessings to all.
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