April 17, 2018 - Just A Little Light Conversation Tonight

Good evening everyone. I’m so happy you’ve dropped by. We just finished up with our Community Dinner at my church. I enjoy it so much. We have some incredible folks at this church that give so much. The dinner here is only once or twice per month depending on how things work out, but the folks that join us for the food and socializing say they like ours the best. We set out tables with flowers and chocolates and much of the food comes from our garden which is all organic, non-GMO, and of course picked fresh for the dinner. One of our church members, Timmy, is a very talented performer that entertains with his singing and guitar playing. Oh I love his music, it takes me back to my best memories of warm summer nights in the park on Lake Michigan drinking wine, smoking pot, and making love to the music of people like Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, Simon And Garfunkle, Jimmy Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and so on. It was a very special time for me. The world was changing. Equality for all races, genders, and gender expressions was taking root. We’ve come a long way. We still have such a long way to go. I have so much faith in the generation we call millennials, I believe they are going to do great things. I want to tell them to ignore the older generation’s remarks that put them down, this happens with every generation. I also want to apologize for the terrible mess we’ve handed them but they should see what we were given. Like every generation before us we did our best and now it’s their turn. Best of luck kids.

I just got the stats on who’s been dropping in on this blog, well not specific details, just where everyone is from. We have people from the United States, Ukraine, Germany, Russia, Poland, Portugal, Canada, France, Australia, and India. I’d really like to hear from you all. What brings you here? What are your countries like? Maybe a little bit about what you’re like as people. Are there any other transgenders visiting? Are you interested in alternative perspectives? I’d really like to know.

Tonight feels like such a very special night. Ellen, the woman that does most of the preparation and organizing for the Community Dinner, gave me a really cool sweater. It’s long, black, and frilly – very retro which is just my style. She also gave me the coolest card on Sunday, it has a picture of a kitten dressed all Hawaiian on the front (Ellen is from Hawaii). Everyone has left and I’m sitting here by myself keeping an eye on things so a few of the local homeless can use our bathrooms. I have 2 bottles of nice red wine just waiting to be sipped but I think I’ll save them for another time. There’s a homeless woman sleeping in the shed on our back patio, Bree is her name and we’ve become good friends. Bree has awful demons that torment her at times without mercy. I do my best to give her a safe place and she has told me that this is the only place she feels secure but I wish I could do more. I’m so sleepy tonight and I’m ready for bed. Just a little longer then it’s off to my little hide-a-way.

Well I’m keeping this one short and sweet. I was so happy to find out that there were so many people from around the world taking an interest in my little place in cyberspace. I really do want the world to see who we as transgender people really are. We’re just like everyone else – so much more than a simple label can begin to describe.

Big hugs, many blessings, and lots of love to all.

April 10, 2018 - Trans Visibility Day

I went to an event celebrating Trans Visibility Day last Saturday in Santa Barbara with my very special and talented friend Celia who spoke and did a musical performance for the show. Celia grew up in India and is what is known as gender fluid since she likes presenting herself as female but has no desire to be anything but the male gender she was born into. Celia has a wife and adult child that know she goes out as female, she is only attracted to women and is quite dedicated to and happy with her wife. I, on the other hand, am what I suppose would be considered the classic text book mtf transgender who sees the external genitals I was born with as a hideous birth defect that I want to remove and preferably get fixed. I like men and have never had children. Everyone has their own way of expressing themselves on the great gender spectrum as it is commonly referred to. I happen to love being trans female even though I find my current parts repulsive – on me that is, but can be very pleasant on someone else. So I often wonder why there is so much shame that many want to impose on being trans. I was created this way and it is very real and natural to me. In my heart of hearts I’m just a sweet little spiritual hippy chick sharing my gifts in the best way I know. Everyone is different, even among trans and all lgbtq+ as well as cis hetero people.

So what’s to be ashamed of?

It’s very sad that many trans are self-loathing but what to me can be even worse are the people we love and care for being ashamed to be associated with us. I can’t begin to tell you the pain in hearing a friend or lover tell me they don’t want anyone to see us together for fear that it will be assumed that a sexual relationship is going on. First of all why should people enjoying each others friendship imply anything at all? But I also have to ask, if being attracted to me on a sexual level is so awful, why do so many find it so arousing? I’m not kinky and need to love and be loved like anyone else. Of course not everyone feels this fear or shame and I have an incredible level of appreciation and respect for those who do accept and stand with us. I love being trans even though I had no say in the matter, the folks that take me for who I am and stand by me do so by choice – they are the heroes in my heart.

But can you imagine, someone actually falling in love with me and wanting to express that love? Oh the depravity of it all! Trans are only here to fulfill kinky sexual fantasies because we are just sick perverts after all.

You know what? My heart can love a much deeper love than you might ever imagine.

I will give my heart to something or someone without hesitation and I’ve certainly cried my share of tears but I have a special way of looking at it. I see my passion and my love as my life’s currency and will risk disappointment or a broken heart with eyes wide open, but there is a condition… I look at the spending of this very valuable treasure as an investment and I do expect a return on my investments. Of course I sometimes win and I sometimes loose, I may receive a heart of gold or I may cry a river of tears but still receive an ocean of love and in the end that makes it all worthwhile and I will continue to take the chance.

So anyhow, the reason behind the Trans Visibility event is to encourage folks to show the world who they are and hopefully become more accepted. I hope that this blog, the pictures I share, and of course my book will in some small way be my contribution to the cause. I love who I am and I hope you all feel the same about yourself.

Big hugs and blessings to all.

April 4, 2018 - I'm Here To Provide A Safe Place For You

Well this may seem a bit of a diversion from my standard thoughts but it is certainly coming from the perspective of the transgender spiritual hippy chick. I've been thinking quite a lot about my life's purpose or mission and have been able to put it into a sort of theme. It's funny that because of my gender expression and preferences I've met quite a lot of people that prefer to keep whatever relationship we may have had with each other a secret. It's sad, you know, that many feel their natural expression of who they are would bring them shame. My sexual preference is attraction to guys and because of the way my brain (and body to some extent) is wired it is considered a heterosexual male/female relationship - especially having been on long term hormone treatment. What I'm getting at, and maybe this is because of all the news about our current president's affairs with hookers and porn stars, what I'm getting at is so many of the secrets I keep make me feel like something of a White House Whore. I do have some very confidential stories but not all are about who I've slept with, many are things that people, especially lovers, have confided in me. To all out there that may be getting nervous, don't worry, your secrets are always safe with me - no matter how we may now feel about each other. I would never break a confidence.

With all that having been said, I believe my life's purpose is...

To provide a safe place where anyone may find shelter without fear of being judged or having demands made upon them.

It's a curious thing to think about, we all go through much the same journey of life that would seem to begin somewhere during gestation, a very safe and comfortable time that we develop and grow, unaware of what is to come. The rather violent experience of birth strikes and we begin another process of growing and learning for some unknown purpose but we define as a life. At some point we all will exit this existence much like we came into it - thrust from a womb we call a body into the mystery of what we call death. Where we came from and where we're going are unknown. We have faith and beliefs but really it is, at this time, a divine mystery to us. What is physical reality? How and why does it seem to exist? What possible purpose could it serve? Perhaps we'll know these things after the next transition into whatever is to come. Perhaps it will be more of a 'Lights Out' and there will be nothing more to experience. We just don't know.

So along the way we share our talents and gifts. Mine is to provide a safe place, an oasis along life's path where you can leave your fears and anxieties behind for a moment and just be who you are. A place where you can say or do things that only you and I will share. This is what I do.

My gosh, the day is just slipping by and I need to go. It was nice to share this moment with you.

Big hugs and blessings to all.