Wednesday August 30, 2017

Welcome to Wednesday. It’s going to be hot today but right now at 8:30 AM it’s still very pleasant.

So anyhow…

I’ve just been thinking about how interconnected everything is. It’s hard to imagine the far reaching consequences of our decisions and actions. I suppose there are things that will haunt me for my entire life. Little things I did that really seemed inconsequential at the time but ended up having devastating life changing outcomes. How can this be? Then again there are the big decisions we make that seem to just fizzle out. But who knows? All the things that end up becoming what we call our life are actually putting together a structure that could at any time suddenly make all of our dreams come true. There’s just so much going on within and around us that we have no conscious awareness of. I like to think that as long as we’re respectful to each other, ourselves, and the world around us things will be more or less okay

.

We’re all part of something so much greater than ourselves, kind of like a single cell in a body. Each of us plays different roles in what so often seems like a rather isolated performance but fits into something much bigger, something that ultimately is an intrinsic part in all of eternity. No really, there’s a reason we are who we are. Maybe somewhere deep inside we have a much deeper wisdom and understanding than we could ever imagine. Each of us truly is on a sacred path knowing things we don’t even know we know.

I have to go for now. Maybe we can meet again a little later.

Tuesday August 29, 2017

This last week has been quite busy. Class on Nonviolent Communication Thursday, the plant sale Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, Game Night at my friend Joy's on Saturday night, church service Sunday morning, Monday took a break, Tuesday morning my book reading club, and Tuesday afternoon Community Dinner at my church. It's also been brutally hot here in Simi Valley. They're predicting temps as high as 109 this week. It was so hot today, around 100, that we put extra tables inside the church so folks could cool off while they ate.

I've added another page to this blog, A Little More About My Latest Book. I just want to share more about what's in the book. Through my life I've had what I suppose would be considered a lot of pretty strange experiences - many of them spiritual. Some of the spiritual experiences I can't even begin to describe and have had a profound effect on me. Well I just hope people like the book, I've really opened up about things that I've rarely if ever shared. The thing is that I do want the world to know about them and putting them together in a book just happened kind of on it's own.

So today has been a nice day. Besides what I've already mentioned I also had a delicious lunch at an Indian restaurant. My friend Celia bought lunch for my friend Curtis and I. I like them both so much. Celia is a fluid male-female. She was born male but likes to express herself as female with no desire to actually become female. You'd never know that she's really male if you ever met her. Curtis is very openly gay, is an almost ordained minister, and used to be a stand-up comic. I love when he does the service. Both are very intelligent wonderful people. I really have been lucky with the friends I've made over the years.

We haven't had much time to work in the garden lately. Just so much has been going on.

Well that's it for today. I'm really tired and need to go to bed. Sweet dreams all.

Friday August 25, 2017

Pablo Picasso said, "The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away." I've always liked that quote and it seems a good way to start today's post. I was doing some editing on my latest book yesterday. Even though it's already been published and is being circulated on kindle there were a couple of little things that my proof reader missed. The nice thing about kindle is that changes can always be made if need be. I'm ready to publish the paperback but am still waiting for the cover to be completed. Part 2 has a real good start but finding the time to work on it is getting a little difficult. Well shining my little light to the world through these books and this blog feels to be the thing for me to do. It may be a lot of work but it's a labor of love. In This Little Light Of Mine I talk about a bunch of strange experiences and encounters that I've been a part of. Part 2 continues the adventure but moves from Milwaukee to California.

In a couple of chapters of the first book I talk about losing people close to me in terribly tragic ways. It was difficult to write about those things and even more heart wrenching to go back and relive them over and over while editing. I'm very often haunted by the thought that my life would likely be very different, as would the lives of others, if I had on those two occasions just followed what my heart was telling me. I understand that I'm not responsible for what happened but just knowing that my response had such a dramatic effect on the events that followed really hurts. It's so important to listen to what our heart tells us. Well in any case, I'm grateful for what I've been blessed with. I had to laugh one day when at an appointment with my physician. I was telling him about some of the things I’ve experienced and now write about. When the appointment was finished and we were walking towards the front desk, he stopped, turned towards me and said, “You know it’s amazing that you’ve turned out so well adjusted.” What can I say, he is a doctor after all and I agree with his diagnosis, well most of the time…

Yesterday was a nice day. It started with meeting Joan at the church to begin getting ready for this weekend’s plant sale fund raising event. Working in the garden, being involved in things like the plant sale and community dinner, and so many other activities I’m involved in at my church are so rewarding – more like “labors of love” than like work. Last night I attended a group on something called nonviolent communication. It was really good and many of my friends were there. I think everybody there would be defined as “friend” but some I’m closer to and spend more time with than others. Joan and her husband John were there, they are such nice people, talented, well educated, and so much more than “book smart”. Of course Curtis was there too. I like Curtis so much. Maybe it’s because he’s close to my age and is very openly gay so we have a lot of things to talk about. He’s nearly an ordained minister and is so smart and funny. He has an incredible knowledge of theology and I have a deep interest in that. Everybody loves Curtis. He and I have had many long conversations together. I'm so lucky to have such wonderful friends.

So about last night’s group. It was very interesting but a couple of things caught me off guard. I’ve been feeling a bit down lately and while everyone else was sitting together in the first row that curved around the speaker, I felt compelled to sit back a row and a little off to myself. I was encouraged to move closer and more into the group but just couldn’t. In one part we were asked to pick out between one and three cards that had been scattered on the floor. Each card had a word printed on it describing an emotion. I chose “Scared”, “Lonely”, and “Grateful”. But then we were asked to join up with someone to express how we felt about our choice of word-cards. Uh oh, I wasn’t ready for that. A nice woman came and sat next to me. I asked her to go first because I just couldn’t discuss my cards. It went well as I listened to her. When it was my turn I still couldn’t do it. She asked me why and the best I could do was show the card that said “Scared”. It’s just too hard to open up about these things. I feel welcome and accepted by everyone I know but there’s issues lurking inside that I doubt anyone would guess. Oh well, what are you going to do? Curtis had sat sort of next to me between the first row where everyone else was and the next row that I was sitting in. I was happy that he did. We ended up talking quite a bit. I really like him.

Today is laundry day and tonight I’m meeting Joan and others to get a few more things together for the plant sale. It’s also my friend Jeanne’s birthday and she’s having a sort of get-together at a nice bar/pizza place that will have live music. I want to go but am so short on money again this month. I can’t afford to do a lot but I’d really like to get to this. We’ll see.

Let me finish today’s post with what seems to be becoming my little catch phrase. It’s not much but here we go…

Hugs and blessings to all.

Jamie

Wednesday August 23, 2017

Having another one of those homesick blues days again. Seems like some days all I can think is, "I wanna go home, I just want to go home". California's okay I suppose, but if I could I would turn back the clock to a time when I was living in Milwaukee on Warren just off of Brady with my 3 cats. A time that I'd been well into my mtf transition and hrt. A time when all those special family, pets, and friends were always close. Back when I had a decent job and I could actually afford a place to live and a normal life, well normal to me anyhow. I suppose that my normal may be defined somewhat different than someone else, but when all is said and done I think we all really just want the same thing - a sense of belonging and some feeling of security while expressing our most sincere self. It just gets so lonely at times.

Looks like a quiet day today. I'm meeting a friend or two for our regular get-together-for-coffee-and-chit-chat. It's nice to spend time with friends. This little get together is mostly with other trans and sometimes a friend or significant other will join us. I like to see the progress everyone is making with hrt and talk about some of our issues. I also really love cookies and they have some pretty good ones there but nobody can ever bake a cookie like my big sister Marie. I had a job in a factory for a while right after high school and often times Marie would send a couple of those super cookies along in my lunch. Those cookies always got the attention of my coworkers and they wanted some. Sorry, I'm a very nice person but when it comes to my cookies I guard them like a lion over her cubs. I suppose we all need something that is just our own, mine would certainly include my cookies. Oh I wish I could just go home.

Tuesday August 22, 2017

I slipped and fell again this morning, nothing serious, but I also took a tumble at church last week while helping out at the community dinner. Last week’s poorly executed gymnastic move did leave me with a nasty scrape on my arm and a slightly sore shoulder. It makes me wonder if maybe my spirit guides are getting bored. I really haven’t been all that entertaining lately so perhaps even an ethereal helper enjoys a bit of slapstick comedy to keep things interesting. I think I’ll put in a request for them to maybe entertain themselves with something like a romance with a happy ending. Ya’ sure we’re all on a special and holy mission as we experience life, but I really should have a little more say in how these things will play out. Is that really so unreasonable? Okay so here it is, the next scene in the drama will be where I meet a special someone - it’s deep and true love at first sight and we both know it, then suddenly and for no apparent reason together we strike it rich beyond our wildest imagination. Of course being true to our spiritual natures the money doesn’t change us. We live happily ever after in our modest cottage on the beach of the tropical island we own and spend spring in our villa in the Swiss Alps. We come back from time to time to stay in one of our mansions here in the US and get around by private jet. When Trump calls for advice we tell him to impeach himself. Ahhh, it’s so nice to be a Piscean dreamer.

Speaking of stumbling and being a dreamer, I’m still getting hit with those anxiety bombs at 2 or 3 in the morning. Maybe I haven’t talked about that. There is a sort of rational basis to it since I did after all spend 7 months being broke and homeless living in the car with my cats. It made quite an impression on me and even though I’m relatively comfortable now there still hasn’t been a full recovery yet. It really could come at any time though, this crazy roller-coaster ride I call my life has had much stranger things happen. Right now I have been getting those abrupt awakenings then lay there unable to fall back to sleep because I’m constantly being poked by those awful demons with their pointy sticks. Those little buggers can sure be relentless. I wonder if maybe it’s actually my guides, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, trying to get my attention by tripping me then stressing me out in the wee hours. Okay guys I get it! Enough with the hauntings already. Pleeeeeze, just tell me what you want.

Okay I need to start getting ready for my book club. By the way, yes, the hormones continue to work their magic. I really feel I should maybe say more about that. This blog is intended to be at least somewhat directed towards what it is to be transgender. Maybe I’m covering it after all. Yes I am transgender but like everyone else, so much more than a label. Well, see y’all later.

Okay To Comment

If anyone has tried to comment on this blog but couldn't please try again. It was a Whoops-Y-Daisy on my part. The settings have been fixed. Sorry for the inconvenience. - Jamie

Thanks Marie.

Sunday August 20, 2017

It's around 7:20 AM and I should be getting ready for church but my mind is buzzing and I need to get it out. It began while adjusting the caffeine and nicotine in my brain to their proper operating levels. Anyhow, everything seems so strange when pausing for a moment to reflect on how incredible it is to be alive and aware of things. If you take a few steps far enough back to see a bigger picture perceptions begin to change quickly. Our home, which is of course the planet Earth, seems pretty big but quickly disappears as a tiny spec in our Solar System. The entire Solar System vanishes into a microscopic fragment in our galaxy. Of course even the gargantuan Milky Way galaxy is something less that an undetectable point in time and space when considering it from the perspective of an incomprehensibly vast universe. Our planet, our solar system, even our entire galaxy come and go in an imperceptible instant in the realm of infinity. But here we are, watching as it takes billions of lifetimes to pass. Okay now convince me that any of this actually existed before I came here to observe and experience it. Ya’ well anyhow, it’s all pretty weird.

Also I’ve been recalling something that I wrote about in ->my book<- the apparitions or whatever you call them (they certainly seem real enough) that appeared and spoke to me then disappeared on several different occasions. I know they were real and there have been other times that some sort of ethereal manifestation appearing just as real as the cup of coffee I’m drinking, made an appearance then vanished with no rational reason for having been there in the first place. If you think about it none of what we so boldly call reality has any real rational explanation for existing at all does it? I have to admit that there have been times that I seriously doubted my sanity because these things are just too far out and don’t seem to fit in the paradigm of socially acceptable experiences. Then how much of what I or anyone else experiences really fits any “acceptable” set of rules? Well I really have questioned my sanity more than just a few times. The conclusion is, ”Oh what the heck does it matter if I’m sane or not? And just who will be the judge of such nonsense anyhow?” Enough of this, I need to get ready for church.

Saturday August 19, 2017

Haven't updated in a few days - busy busy busy. This blog is something like a diary and between this and my book I sometimes have a feeling like I'm standing naked in front of the world. That's okay, this is meant to be a sincere and open sharing of day to day things, it just came as a bit of a surprise. Well anyhow...

Days are becoming quite interesting, almost dreamlike at times. It's really sinking in that I'm back on my path of transitioning again. Everyone's calling me Jamie, you can't imagine how good that makes me feel. Some may see it as just a name, But it's my name. It just feels like I'm becoming me again. I am seeing the effects of the hormones more and more. Estrogen in my system gives me a feeling of being normal. There was a time that my doctor, before knowing about me being transgender, had done blood work which showed I naturally have a rather low testosterone level. He talked me into very reluctantly trying a treatment to boost testosterone. Arrrrrrrrgh!!! After a day of that I was going crazy and had to stop. When I finally told him about myself he agreed to prescribe male to female hormone replacement therapy (mtf-hrt), he also apologized for pushing the T booster, but he didn't know and was just giving the best care he could. Once back on hrt, the testosterone blocker worked quickly and the estrogen began to fill my system I felt so much more normal in just a few days. I guess this is just the way I'm meant to be, well I knew that all along.

This Little Light Of Mine - Jamie

Please check out my latest book   This Little Light Of Mine.

Tuesday August 15, 2017 - 7:00 AM

Time is sure flying by. It's already the middle of August. Our little garden at church is pouring out a cornucopia of vegetables. I work with Joan pretty much all the time, I really like her. There's something very Zen in taking care of a garden. Gardening is simple but at the same time focused and relaxing even though it can be hard work at times. The funny thing about something being simple or complicated is really just a matter of perspective. The most complicated of tasks or gadgets is that a complex system is made up of a lot of very simple things, it really is all how you look at it. My old friend Rocky taught me that and how to apply it to anything including writing software and designing hardware, Regardless of the task, technical or otherwise, it can always be broken down to much simpler items and every step along the way follows the very basic algorithm of Input>Subroutines>Output. It really is just that simple.

Sorry, I got sidetracked.

So I really like working with Joan. She teaches me a lot and we're beginning to share more and more personal or intimate things about ourselves. She's very intelligent. Joan and her husband John are very kind and intelligent people and I like them both. They seem to belong together. Joan and I do get a bit of a laugh sometimes, she has a rather strong personality but as I said very intelligent and considerate. I on the other hand tend to be rather passive or submissive although I do assert myself when I choose to. This is something that works well for me in a general way - being around a dominant personality. I'm not saying Joan is dominating person, she see's what needs to be done then does it expecting others to jump in and pull their weight. I have to be a little careful about people I get close to because if they are dominating but not in a nice way I can be overwhelmed and get myself in a bit of trouble. Now I'm laughing, laughing, laughing - you'll just have to read my book to understand. Or maybe keep reading this blog as it grows. I do hope you hang around a while.

Well I'm writing this in the rather early morning, it's around 7:30. Busy day today. I have my book reading group at 10:00 then I will be volunteering as usual for the Community Dinner our church offers to anyone wishing to come for a very nice meal. I love our little church and the people I;m getting to know. My other friend Joy will be at the group, I really like joy and we're also becoming close. Jeanne will also be there. Jeanne and I have been hanging out occasionally for a while. She's very encouraging in me moving along in my current transition, actually everybody has been. I love them all so much.

Here's a couple of pictures from yesterday at the garden.

Sunday August 13, 2017

Today turned out to be a rather pleasant but quiet kind of day. I began with Sunday service at my regular place of worship, UCC - Simi Valley. "open and affirming" are typically used to describe our church/congregation and it certainly is - not just in the gender issues but for people in general. I really love my church and the people in it.

I was again asked about which pronouns I prefer. Do you have any idea what a big deal this is to me. Many folks out there that define as transgender, and some of the other nontraditional gender definitions, get pretty intense and even downright hostile over this subject. Of course there's many on the other side of the fence that refuse to comply or maliciously mock those from the the alternative perspective. The fact is that I consider myself fortunate to have people approach me to ask which I prefer. My big sister has also asked what my preference is. This really makes me feel good. It is so considerate and affirming.

Well my response is that I do prefer the feminine but since I'm early on in this period of hormone replacement therapy (hrt) it's okay for them to use whatever it is they're comfortable with. I am beginning to show the effects of hrt and with a little makeup and more feminine clothes I'm starting to feel so much more like myself again, that is as a woman. I also want to acknowledge that this is a transition for all of us. It's a new dance with steps we all need to learn and to become comfortable with it while just allowing it to become natural. I feel so much better as a girl and truly appreciate the effort they're making. I want to make it as simple as possible for all of us. But the fact is, I really like when people refer to me as she, her, etc.

Another wonderful thing has recently happened at our church. A week or two ago the women's group changed the wording that defines who the group is for, it's now for anyone who feels or defines themselves as a woman. They came to me right after the wording was changed and invited me to begin attending. I understand that they made this change with me in mind, it almost made me cry. It feels so nice to have them accept me as one of the group. Yesterday was my first time in the group. All are friends and some I'm much closer to. Joy and I have been friends for a while now as we share some mutual interests so we do things together outside of the standard church activities. Joan has been taking care of the community garden since it began and along with her husband John, and also Calvin, started the garden.Working with her is fun so we are becoming much closer. Of course Jeanne and I have been hanging out for a while just doing things that friends do. This all feels so good.

I don't want to leave the guys out. They have been really great too. I can talk with them as friends like any girl would with her male friends. Of course there's things I'll only talk with other girls about but I do like having guy friends too. Guys can really be funny and they do have a way of seeing things that's different from a girl. I suppose that I have a rather unique perspective since even though I've always felt and seen myself as female I have had something of a male experience (it feels weird just to say that) and understand some things they go through better than other girls would. It seems that while of course women have many social issues to deal with, all too often the problems and challenges men face are overlooked. Men deserve consideration too. Something I like about being female is the chance to be nurturing to a guy, not romantically, just as a soft and caring person.

Well it's a little past 9:00 in the evening and I need some dinner. I guess I've described today pretty well. There's more but this is the important stuff.