April 18, 2019 - Teenage Jamie Climbs The Tower Of Death...

This may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you but I was actually young (and pretty) at a time not really so long ago. Go ahead and laugh but 'The Sweet Hippie Chick' aka 'Tranny Granny', much like 'Grisabella The Glamour Cat', have had my time in the sun and am still doing okay now if I do say so myself. We ride the vehicle of time whether we like it or not - I actually like it.

So once upon a time...

When I was a teenager in high school we were required to take a PE class - 'Physical Education' is the proper term for what we called gym class. Gym class was divided into something like a half semester or quarter of something on a field, wood floor gymnasium, or other dry land activity and then a quarter of something else like swimming none of which I was ever any good at (I actually flunked a semester of gym class and had to have 2 classes per day the following year). High school was not a terribly pleasant time for me and had it's moments both good and bad. This story is about a situation that was both.

It was in swim class...

Our school had a really nice facility for athletic activities including a very nice swimming pool with both a high diving board and a low diving board. The low board was a few feet off the ground while the high dive was something like 17 feet off the ground. 17 feet doesn't look like much from the bottom up but there's a significant change of perspective looking from the top down. This difference of perspective was soon going to be very apparent to me.

Often after the instructive portion of the class we would be allowed to do as we pleased. One day in the pool in the last 15 minutes we were given time for free swim which was usually kind of fun. I had watched other kids jumping or diving from the diving boards with the high dive appearing to have a bit of a thrill to it and I wanted to give it a try. Unfortunately I've never been too good at thinking things through before diving in - this time we'll take that literally.

As soon as the teacher announced it was time for free swim I ran to the high dive and was third in line. I watched the first kid scoot up the ladder, run to the end of the board, then jump off. The second kid did much the same. Now it was my turn so up the ladder I went 17 feet into free space with the board under my feet and a guard rail on either side of me then accidentally glanced down - Uh oh... I wasn't ready for that. Suddenly I froze in terror atop what now appeared to be an arial diving platform ready to stare death in the eyes and challenge fate itself by leaping into  what would be a free fall into some abyss, well actually, not me, I was in a state of panic.

As I stood there frozen high in the air I felt the muscles spasm begin. My arms and legs were cramping and I could barely move. I somehow managed to sit down as the next kids in line began to yell at me to jump so they could have their turn. Soon the rest of the class was looking at me and then of course the teacher was also watching the scene unfold. The group of regular folks was quickly becoming an out of control mob yelling at me and taunting me. I had manged to lay face down frozen with terror as the mob enjoyed the show and the teacher became more and more angry. I had no way out, my mind racing and screaming at an unresponsive body. I'd just have to wait it out until I died of thirst or starvation and my lifeless body would finally fall apathetically to the hard tile floor. There was nothing else I was able to do.

Finally class time ended and the teacher sent the rest of the class to the showers and locker room to get to their next classes on time. The teacher had calmed down and was trying to find a solution that didn't involve calling in the fire department. He began speaking gently to me telling me to close my eyes and just breath. I did this and a slight bit of the terror began to dissipate. The teacher kept talking in a calm voice and I began to relax a little more. He had me open my eyes but to look only at the board just inches in from of my nose. His plan was working and he gradually eased the muscle spasms to the point that I was able to move then got me down the ladder. Now I was back on solid ground and while terribly shaken by the ordeal, was able to move on.

By the next day the school had pretty much forgotten my award winning show and moved on to find new and different things to tease me and others about but the time for that dreaded afternoon gym class was quickly approaching. What was going to happen was nothing short of a major surprise to me and the rest of the class including the teacher. As soon as I passed through the door and into the pool area I found myself running to the high dive. Normally we were required to form a line and stand at attention while role call was taken and any disobedience to this rule would result in harsh punishment, but here I was running to the very thing that had, just the day before, destroyed me without mercy. It was if something had taken over me as I ran up that 17 feet of ladder, onto the diving board itself, and then right off the end and into the water below. I hadn't thought about what was going on and swam to the surface to accept whatever punishment awaited me. But what a surprise was to come.

As my head broke the surface of the water and went up into the air I saw and heard the entire class including the teacher applauding me and shouting words of praise and admiration. I really hadn't realized what I'd done until this very moment and suddenly felt incredibly good about myself and the world. I swam to the side of the pool, climbed out, and got into line. The applause quickly died down and class went on as usual while I took in what had happened. What a day - my worst nightmare became a harmless memory to be tucked away in some rarely visited place in time and space. It still feels good.

So on we go...

I suppose there's a moral here  but you can decide what to do with it. For me it's a memory of a time not really so long ago that has woven itself into this story I call my life. I have no idea why we participate in this great world of interaction with each other as we strive to be the best person we can possibly be and ought never judge another as we all work to piece these events together in some coherent way until we finally leave this place to whatever is next.

Much love, big hugs, and blessings to all from The Sweet Hippie Chick.

April 17, 2019 - I'm Okay And I Do Appreciate Your love And Concern...

Hi again everyone. I hope you're all doing well. Here we are well into the spring of 2019 and the temp in Southern California is already 80+ degrees. Of course there's always a lot going on in my life. If you've been reading my posts you'll know that the end of January and all of February was a very difficult time for me. On January 22 I wrote a piece that had the title of  'To Be Or Not To Be'. I was in a deep dark depression and considered whether or not I wanted to continue on. I'l leave it to you if you wish to have a look at that post and understand what I'm talking about. I'm more or less getting back to my usual self again (whatever that may be - I'm never quite sure myself lol).

I'm so grateful to have such incredible friends...

Thank goodness I have such incredible friends. Someone very close to me asked (when I was in my darkest place) if I'd been thinking about hurting myself (again, see January 22 for details) and after some hemming and hawing and feeling like she could see into my heart and read my mind I admitted that I'd been giving it some very serious thought. I believe she  and her boyfriend spoke to another very close mutual friend and he is apparently trying to raise some money for me to get back to my therapist for a much needed visit that I can't afford. If any of the 3 of you are reading this, "Thank you very much. I'm so grateful to have friends like you. Please know that I'm okay and I don't actually see ending things as a valid option. I love you all so much and am fighting the tears of deepest gratitude right now. If I'd had people like you in my life when everything I loved and worked for was utterly destroyed I probably would have avoided so much pain that included years of severe morphine addiction and 7 months of homelessness. Your the best I could ever hope for in my life."

So life moves on...

As I adjust and recover I've decided that a big move is what I need. I'm making plans to either go back to Milwaukee or move in with my long distance boyfriend in St. Petersburg. If you're familiar with my philosophy about whether suicide is a valid option to solve problems you'll understand that I see Milwaukee or St. Petersburg as options that, "might be better, may be the same as I have right now, or could possibly be much worse" (see previously mentioned January 22 post for what that means). At least the choice of moving to a new city allows the option of walking away if the new environment turns out to be the same or worse than what I have now. Even if worst case means someone else taking my life then at least the decision of my fate will be in the hands of something far more loving and wise than I can ever be.

Along with all that...

I've also made a tremendous number of new friends on Facebook. I hope to reach out through that medium to the world as 'The Sweet Hippie Chick' and do something positive in the realm of social justice. My biggest issues are of course lgbt+ and also incarceration and addiction. Of course there are many more things going on that I hope to give a platform to. I'm pretty excited about it. btw To all the wonderful folks that have been texting or requesting video chats, I've been overwhelmed with hundreds of such requests everyday and it's impossible for me to even begin to accept or answer them. I wish I could and I want to get to know you all - there's just too many.

I guess that's it for now...

So I'm going to wrap it up here. Thanks for sharing your time with me. Of course, your thoughts are very important to me and you may share by clicking the 'Comment' button at the end of this post. From The Sweet Hippie Chick, big hugs, much love, and best of blessings to you all always.

April 3, 2019 -The Sweet Hippie Chick Is Still here

Well hello again to all my dear friends (especially you my dear whom I now know is reading my work after all, and yes, enjoying it ;)) thank you all for taking the time to follow my sometimes chaotic train of thought, okay not so much a train that stays on the tracks, but more like a hyper-exotic marble in an out-of-control pinball machine or the first released neutron in what will turn into a chain reaction that will eventually explode into a new star in the heavens. We all shine our very special  light in the beautiful rainbow of life, just be cautious when looking too deeply at my light - staring into a sun for too long may damage your retinas.

So anyhow...

I know I said I was going to get back to regular blog posting but have fallen short. I've fallen short in too many areas of my life over the last few months. This has been an uncontrollable response to some rather severe catastrophes in my life - again. My usual passiveness that leads me to complete apathy has once again served me in dealing with my demons. Most people/animals will strike back when under attack but for me I fear that striking back means lowering my guard and opening myself to more attacks. If you recall in the Star Trek series the firing of the photon torpedoes meant dropping the star ship's protective shields making it momentarily vulnerable to counter attack. I feel so much safer within the safety of my apathy or being with a guy that is masculine and strong who's presence gives me a feeling of safety, not necessarily a boyfriend, maybe just a very good looking guy that is a close friend even if he wont admit to reading and enjoying my writing. Yes my dear, I again am talking about you, it's okay, I know you love me (tee-he).

Getting to the point...

Somehow I find it so much easier to express my deepest emotions through writing even though I know it's going to be getting even greater exposure to friends and the world in general. I am a very passionate, emotional, and affectionate person and this can be a bit overwhelming, especially to my male friends that in personal conversation will remind me from time to time, "Jamie, I only ask one thing of you - just one thing! Please shut the fuck up!" The funny thing is that this being one of those guy things that irritate and frustrate me to no end at the same time are some of the things I like best about men (well among other things of course (said with a blush)). Guys take so damn much maintenance but I need them anyhow. Must be the hormones again.

There is some news to report...

Plans to make my big move out of SoCal are actually underway. I'm planning to move to Florida to live with my boyfriend. Yes, this is coming from the one who professed so often, "This kitty don't do well on a leash" is giving up her feral nature to become domesticated. If you're wondering who this (lucky?) man is, please look back a few posts to the picture of the guy I said is my new boyfriend - I'm moving in with Kevin. I'm not so concerned about how well I'll adjust but my real concern is for him - seriously, I can be a handful, a real mess at times. I think we'll be happy.

Now this is important...

I do want to visit some very special friends as I make this cross-country trek. I so want some time my my dear dear friend and mentor the beautiful Ms Brittany Morgan. It's been far too long and I miss my friend. I want to see my wonderful new friend Carey for a special hug and some time to really get to know each other. I need hugs from Marisol, Jezzy, and of course Vivian. There's so many people I want to see and at the same time will miss my special friend here (yes I'm talking about you again - see you've read this far). There'll be a few more tears on my pillow at night but as I've said before, "My tears are a small price to pay for all they've given me". My gosh I love you all so much!

One last thing...

I've seen a tweeting mini-brain masquerading as the leader of the free world plagiarizing my use of the ellipses (...). Hey! I stole that fair and square from Kurt Vonnegut Jr. many years ago. Get your own style jerk!

Okay this is it for real...

I truly hope to keep you very special friends posted on what's happening. I love to write and now I know that even though they may not admit it, someone who's opinion I value very highly, is reading this and I hope is smiling, yes - I love you too.

So from The Sweet Hippie Chick, big hugs and kisses and wishing you all the best life has to offer.