April 18, 2019 - Teenage Jamie Climbs The Tower Of Death...

This may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you but I was actually young (and pretty) at a time not really so long ago. Go ahead and laugh but 'The Sweet Hippie Chick' aka 'Tranny Granny', much like 'Grisabella The Glamour Cat', have had my time in the sun and am still doing okay now if I do say so myself. We ride the vehicle of time whether we like it or not - I actually like it.

So once upon a time...

When I was a teenager in high school we were required to take a PE class - 'Physical Education' is the proper term for what we called gym class. Gym class was divided into something like a half semester or quarter of something on a field, wood floor gymnasium, or other dry land activity and then a quarter of something else like swimming none of which I was ever any good at (I actually flunked a semester of gym class and had to have 2 classes per day the following year). High school was not a terribly pleasant time for me and had it's moments both good and bad. This story is about a situation that was both.

It was in swim class...

Our school had a really nice facility for athletic activities including a very nice swimming pool with both a high diving board and a low diving board. The low board was a few feet off the ground while the high dive was something like 17 feet off the ground. 17 feet doesn't look like much from the bottom up but there's a significant change of perspective looking from the top down. This difference of perspective was soon going to be very apparent to me.

Often after the instructive portion of the class we would be allowed to do as we pleased. One day in the pool in the last 15 minutes we were given time for free swim which was usually kind of fun. I had watched other kids jumping or diving from the diving boards with the high dive appearing to have a bit of a thrill to it and I wanted to give it a try. Unfortunately I've never been too good at thinking things through before diving in - this time we'll take that literally.

As soon as the teacher announced it was time for free swim I ran to the high dive and was third in line. I watched the first kid scoot up the ladder, run to the end of the board, then jump off. The second kid did much the same. Now it was my turn so up the ladder I went 17 feet into free space with the board under my feet and a guard rail on either side of me then accidentally glanced down - Uh oh... I wasn't ready for that. Suddenly I froze in terror atop what now appeared to be an arial diving platform ready to stare death in the eyes and challenge fate itself by leaping into  what would be a free fall into some abyss, well actually, not me, I was in a state of panic.

As I stood there frozen high in the air I felt the muscles spasm begin. My arms and legs were cramping and I could barely move. I somehow managed to sit down as the next kids in line began to yell at me to jump so they could have their turn. Soon the rest of the class was looking at me and then of course the teacher was also watching the scene unfold. The group of regular folks was quickly becoming an out of control mob yelling at me and taunting me. I had manged to lay face down frozen with terror as the mob enjoyed the show and the teacher became more and more angry. I had no way out, my mind racing and screaming at an unresponsive body. I'd just have to wait it out until I died of thirst or starvation and my lifeless body would finally fall apathetically to the hard tile floor. There was nothing else I was able to do.

Finally class time ended and the teacher sent the rest of the class to the showers and locker room to get to their next classes on time. The teacher had calmed down and was trying to find a solution that didn't involve calling in the fire department. He began speaking gently to me telling me to close my eyes and just breath. I did this and a slight bit of the terror began to dissipate. The teacher kept talking in a calm voice and I began to relax a little more. He had me open my eyes but to look only at the board just inches in from of my nose. His plan was working and he gradually eased the muscle spasms to the point that I was able to move then got me down the ladder. Now I was back on solid ground and while terribly shaken by the ordeal, was able to move on.

By the next day the school had pretty much forgotten my award winning show and moved on to find new and different things to tease me and others about but the time for that dreaded afternoon gym class was quickly approaching. What was going to happen was nothing short of a major surprise to me and the rest of the class including the teacher. As soon as I passed through the door and into the pool area I found myself running to the high dive. Normally we were required to form a line and stand at attention while role call was taken and any disobedience to this rule would result in harsh punishment, but here I was running to the very thing that had, just the day before, destroyed me without mercy. It was if something had taken over me as I ran up that 17 feet of ladder, onto the diving board itself, and then right off the end and into the water below. I hadn't thought about what was going on and swam to the surface to accept whatever punishment awaited me. But what a surprise was to come.

As my head broke the surface of the water and went up into the air I saw and heard the entire class including the teacher applauding me and shouting words of praise and admiration. I really hadn't realized what I'd done until this very moment and suddenly felt incredibly good about myself and the world. I swam to the side of the pool, climbed out, and got into line. The applause quickly died down and class went on as usual while I took in what had happened. What a day - my worst nightmare became a harmless memory to be tucked away in some rarely visited place in time and space. It still feels good.

So on we go...

I suppose there's a moral here  but you can decide what to do with it. For me it's a memory of a time not really so long ago that has woven itself into this story I call my life. I have no idea why we participate in this great world of interaction with each other as we strive to be the best person we can possibly be and ought never judge another as we all work to piece these events together in some coherent way until we finally leave this place to whatever is next.

Much love, big hugs, and blessings to all from The Sweet Hippie Chick.

April 17, 2019 - I'm Okay And I Do Appreciate Your love And Concern...

Hi again everyone. I hope you're all doing well. Here we are well into the spring of 2019 and the temp in Southern California is already 80+ degrees. Of course there's always a lot going on in my life. If you've been reading my posts you'll know that the end of January and all of February was a very difficult time for me. On January 22 I wrote a piece that had the title of  'To Be Or Not To Be'. I was in a deep dark depression and considered whether or not I wanted to continue on. I'l leave it to you if you wish to have a look at that post and understand what I'm talking about. I'm more or less getting back to my usual self again (whatever that may be - I'm never quite sure myself lol).

I'm so grateful to have such incredible friends...

Thank goodness I have such incredible friends. Someone very close to me asked (when I was in my darkest place) if I'd been thinking about hurting myself (again, see January 22 for details) and after some hemming and hawing and feeling like she could see into my heart and read my mind I admitted that I'd been giving it some very serious thought. I believe she  and her boyfriend spoke to another very close mutual friend and he is apparently trying to raise some money for me to get back to my therapist for a much needed visit that I can't afford. If any of the 3 of you are reading this, "Thank you very much. I'm so grateful to have friends like you. Please know that I'm okay and I don't actually see ending things as a valid option. I love you all so much and am fighting the tears of deepest gratitude right now. If I'd had people like you in my life when everything I loved and worked for was utterly destroyed I probably would have avoided so much pain that included years of severe morphine addiction and 7 months of homelessness. Your the best I could ever hope for in my life."

So life moves on...

As I adjust and recover I've decided that a big move is what I need. I'm making plans to either go back to Milwaukee or move in with my long distance boyfriend in St. Petersburg. If you're familiar with my philosophy about whether suicide is a valid option to solve problems you'll understand that I see Milwaukee or St. Petersburg as options that, "might be better, may be the same as I have right now, or could possibly be much worse" (see previously mentioned January 22 post for what that means). At least the choice of moving to a new city allows the option of walking away if the new environment turns out to be the same or worse than what I have now. Even if worst case means someone else taking my life then at least the decision of my fate will be in the hands of something far more loving and wise than I can ever be.

Along with all that...

I've also made a tremendous number of new friends on Facebook. I hope to reach out through that medium to the world as 'The Sweet Hippie Chick' and do something positive in the realm of social justice. My biggest issues are of course lgbt+ and also incarceration and addiction. Of course there are many more things going on that I hope to give a platform to. I'm pretty excited about it. btw To all the wonderful folks that have been texting or requesting video chats, I've been overwhelmed with hundreds of such requests everyday and it's impossible for me to even begin to accept or answer them. I wish I could and I want to get to know you all - there's just too many.

I guess that's it for now...

So I'm going to wrap it up here. Thanks for sharing your time with me. Of course, your thoughts are very important to me and you may share by clicking the 'Comment' button at the end of this post. From The Sweet Hippie Chick, big hugs, much love, and best of blessings to you all always.

April 3, 2019 -The Sweet Hippie Chick Is Still here

Well hello again to all my dear friends (especially you my dear whom I now know is reading my work after all, and yes, enjoying it ;)) thank you all for taking the time to follow my sometimes chaotic train of thought, okay not so much a train that stays on the tracks, but more like a hyper-exotic marble in an out-of-control pinball machine or the first released neutron in what will turn into a chain reaction that will eventually explode into a new star in the heavens. We all shine our very special  light in the beautiful rainbow of life, just be cautious when looking too deeply at my light - staring into a sun for too long may damage your retinas.

So anyhow...

I know I said I was going to get back to regular blog posting but have fallen short. I've fallen short in too many areas of my life over the last few months. This has been an uncontrollable response to some rather severe catastrophes in my life - again. My usual passiveness that leads me to complete apathy has once again served me in dealing with my demons. Most people/animals will strike back when under attack but for me I fear that striking back means lowering my guard and opening myself to more attacks. If you recall in the Star Trek series the firing of the photon torpedoes meant dropping the star ship's protective shields making it momentarily vulnerable to counter attack. I feel so much safer within the safety of my apathy or being with a guy that is masculine and strong who's presence gives me a feeling of safety, not necessarily a boyfriend, maybe just a very good looking guy that is a close friend even if he wont admit to reading and enjoying my writing. Yes my dear, I again am talking about you, it's okay, I know you love me (tee-he).

Getting to the point...

Somehow I find it so much easier to express my deepest emotions through writing even though I know it's going to be getting even greater exposure to friends and the world in general. I am a very passionate, emotional, and affectionate person and this can be a bit overwhelming, especially to my male friends that in personal conversation will remind me from time to time, "Jamie, I only ask one thing of you - just one thing! Please shut the fuck up!" The funny thing is that this being one of those guy things that irritate and frustrate me to no end at the same time are some of the things I like best about men (well among other things of course (said with a blush)). Guys take so damn much maintenance but I need them anyhow. Must be the hormones again.

There is some news to report...

Plans to make my big move out of SoCal are actually underway. I'm planning to move to Florida to live with my boyfriend. Yes, this is coming from the one who professed so often, "This kitty don't do well on a leash" is giving up her feral nature to become domesticated. If you're wondering who this (lucky?) man is, please look back a few posts to the picture of the guy I said is my new boyfriend - I'm moving in with Kevin. I'm not so concerned about how well I'll adjust but my real concern is for him - seriously, I can be a handful, a real mess at times. I think we'll be happy.

Now this is important...

I do want to visit some very special friends as I make this cross-country trek. I so want some time my my dear dear friend and mentor the beautiful Ms Brittany Morgan. It's been far too long and I miss my friend. I want to see my wonderful new friend Carey for a special hug and some time to really get to know each other. I need hugs from Marisol, Jezzy, and of course Vivian. There's so many people I want to see and at the same time will miss my special friend here (yes I'm talking about you again - see you've read this far). There'll be a few more tears on my pillow at night but as I've said before, "My tears are a small price to pay for all they've given me". My gosh I love you all so much!

One last thing...

I've seen a tweeting mini-brain masquerading as the leader of the free world plagiarizing my use of the ellipses (...). Hey! I stole that fair and square from Kurt Vonnegut Jr. many years ago. Get your own style jerk!

Okay this is it for real...

I truly hope to keep you very special friends posted on what's happening. I love to write and now I know that even though they may not admit it, someone who's opinion I value very highly, is reading this and I hope is smiling, yes - I love you too.

So from The Sweet Hippie Chick, big hugs and kisses and wishing you all the best life has to offer.

March 1, 2019 - An Evening In Jamie-Land

Hi everybody. I know I haven't been posting much, it's been a rather difficult time this last month with way too much drama and things that have been driving me into a deep depression stifling my creativity beyond my ability to cope effectively. I did have a rather funny experience recently though that I shared in a newsletter I help with. The newsletter is for a group called FFLUID - Family Friends Living United In Diversity. FFLUID is a support group for LGBTQ+ people along with family and others that want to understand and support us or maybe need support themselves. It's mainly transgender and families but everyone is welcome and encouraged to join us because it's all about love, understanding, and accepting. I'm sharing the article here exactly as it appears in the newsletter. Hope you enjoy.

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Well it’s been a very quiet 2 weeks and I’ve felt hard pressed to find much to share. There was the panel discussion on February 24 giving teens a chance to speak with adult LGBTQ+ folks but it was a closed and private meeting so I had to miss out. Again, I was told this was considered private and confidential so I couldn’t get the scoop from the panelists either.

How about I share something else on a trans related subject?

On Wednesday February 27 I was looking to get out a little so I checked a list of events and saw a PFLAG meeting at 7:00 P.M. in Oak Park at that church - I ought to have said ‘thought I saw’. I put on something a little nicer than what I’d been wearing that afternoon, nothing terribly fancy, just my boots with the 2 inch heels rather than my comfortable clogs and of course I had to wear my new rose colored big round ‘hippie’ glasses that I just got from Amazon - a little birthday gift for myself (btw - I order these things in bulk since I love the look). Into my car I went with my usual night terror - my fear of long drives alone especially at night. Yes, yes I know - I’m just a little bundle of neurotic personalities, welcome to the 21st century.

I found the meeting place with the help of my also neurotic friend Google Maps. Google warned me as I was leaving, “The church may be closed by the time you get there.” I just spoke loudly and with a proud laugh, “Not this time Google. Ha! I know something you don’t know.” Gawd I’m such an idiot!

The lights were on and the door was open, there was a group of people already sitting inside. I strutted on in, as if walking onto a stage getting ready to do my best Janis Joplin imitation for a big drag show, singing to myself my own version of the old song ‘Lola’ - “I’m not dumb but I don’t understand, why I walk like a woman, but talk like a man, because I’m Jamie, sweet lovable Jamie, transgender-er Jamie…” Yes I proudly strutted into that room quietly singing my little theme song to myself walking right into a… BIBLE STUDY??? I was at a Bible study? Damn, when I make a fool of myself I do it big (and I do it often). Of all the mistakes I could have made I was at a Bible study group.

Actually the folks were very nice and told me they didn’t think PFLAG was meeting that night. Of course I insisted I was sure so they invited me to join them. I declined but they suggested I hang around a few minutes to make sure nobody else would show up - gawd I hate being so self confident that I drag nice normal people into my fantasy world that is only meant for me.

Well I sat in an adjoining room and a very nice man from the Bible study sat with me. We chatted for 5 or 10 minutes. I of course told him I’m with the UCC church in Simi Valley hoping to give myself some level of credibility, which it turned out was unnecessary. We talked about some social justice issues and smiled and laughed a bit - he really was a very nice person. He told me how he just retired from the church and they threw him a party. This all seemed so sweet but I decided it was time to go so with a big smile and warm hug off I went back to my car ready for the nerve shaking drive home in the dark. Google, although quiet, was somehow mocking me the entire trip. I considered a stop at Del Taco since I’d not eaten much all day. I decided instead to just head home and warm up a can of vegetarian chili. Nothing like a bowl of hot chili on a cold rainy night. I had rice instead. Well I warned y’all, it’s been a slow 2 weeks. Hope you enjoyed, ‘An Adventure In Jamie-Land'. See you at a meeting soon (I hope, oh gawd I hope…)

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As always this is posted with much love, big hugs, and wishing many blessings to all from The Sweet Hippie Chick...

January 24, 2019 - The demonization of cigarette smokers...

Well I don’t expect this to be a terribly popular opinion that I’m sharing today but then I still have not mastered my friends requests to “Please shut the f**k up (yet still they love me - and oh how I so enjoy the way they sometimes express that love).” So on and on I ramble. This opinion does come with a disclaimer though which is that I have no doubt that cigarette smoking is not a desirable thing to do and I’m not advocating or suggesting anyone should smoke, just please allow others to do as they see fit as long as it’s not hurting someone else.

Please stop the demonization of cigarette smokers…

Yes, cigarette smokers have become demonized. If someone is puffing away and not being considerate of others being exposed to the smoke, then yes absolutely, please speak up. But it’s gotten to a point of going too far, especially here in Southern California. Just the knowledge of my habit sends some into a frenzy of unfair judgement. There is a city close by that has banned cigarettes entirely. What purpose is that serving? Automobiles, power companies, and factories are still belching out poison at an alarming rate. Even the electric and hybrid vehicles are destroying the environment without mercy. Cars are by far the number one cause of death and injury even surpassing (by far) cigarettes and firearms combined. So why do we choose hypocrisy over tolerance? For example, on Thanksgiving of 2017 I went with a friend to a dinner with her family. My friend is in her mid-80’s. After eating, and by the way, I don’t eat animals, so after eating a lovely dinner and having gone many hours without my fix, I asked my friend if there was somewhere I could smoke. My friend got a horrified look on her face and whispered, “I told them you’re transgender but I didn’t tell them you smoke.” It’s popular nowadays to have a gay, lesbian, or transgender friend but smokers like me are considered the very spawn of Satan himself by many. I went to the person that owned the home and asked if I could go outside somewhere and smoke. I was shown a spot where their smoking friends go and was politely told it was no problem. I made a joke about how not so long ago it was an awful sin to be in the LGBT+ category and cigarette smoking was cool – now it was the complete opposite. We all had a smile and agreement over this and off I went to get my nicotine. Somehow we all managed to survive the incident.

It really is an overreaction…

In this I see a couple of human qualities at work. One is the hypocrisy that plagues us all which of course includes me. As I’ve already pointed out, automobiles are the number one cause of death and injury today. Something else to consider is the new battery technology used in hybrid/electric vehicles and also in the ‘oh so popular’ cell phones we’ve come to depend on. The new battery technology uses lithium which is mined in Africa using slave labor. Lithium has now taken over the spot vacated by blood diamonds. Nobody wants to give up the convenience of cars and cell phones – someone else should be held accountable.

But we still need an enemy…

For some reason we as people, again myself included, seem to need a place to focus the darkness we see in ourselves. We as humans tend to see patterns where none exist so we create stigmas and stereotypes then so self-righteously hate, love, or fear our concocted angels and demons. At one time it was people of African or Asian genealogy that were unfairly judged and held in awful contempt. Common sense was that these people were somehow inferior and dangerous. Amazingly, this bizarre use of an ancient and no longer needed survival mechanism is still at work in us, and to a great extent, also includes femininity. There is nothing inherently factual about accepted norms. We need to be very critical about our beliefs. My rule is, it’s okay if you’re not hurting anyone. The things I like or dislike in others are a reflection of myself and recognizing this gives me an opportunity towards understanding and accepting myself and others. We are warned, “Judge not lest ye be judged, and what measure of forgiveness you show others will be shown unto you.” The way I see that is if we judge and condemn others we’ll hurt ourselves in the process now in this lifetime – not get beat up by an angry god when we attempt to secure a most certainly undeserved place in heaven. It’s just the way my silly little brain works I suppose.

Let me repeat…

Again, I’m not advocating the use of tobacco or any form of nicotine – it’s a dangerous and addictive drug. Another dangerous and addictive practice is the demonization of others. Regardless of what our race, religion, gender orientation/expression, healthy practices, or unhealthy practices we all have the right to live our lives the way we see fit as long as we respect the rights of others. I’ve been trying desperately to stop the nicotine dependency that still afflicts myself and others. As I told in my previous post I recently broke free of a prescription morphine addiction I fought with for years. The narcotic epidemic we now face (3 million+ people addicted) is the direct result of a dishonest greedy pharmaceutical industry. Cigarette companies targeted children and others in my generation and it was despicable to say the least. Please stop demonizing us, please.

As always, from the sweet hippie chick…

Big hugs and much love always.

January 22, 2019 - To be or not to be...

It’s been a bit longer than I’d intended since my last post, and on top of that, I just noticed I hadn’t actually posted my last post. Time to get my little transgender butt in gear. The past week was a difficult one. For my new friends that I met through the trans dating site, I haven’t been ignoring you, I’ve just been a serious basket case locked in my room searching for a way out of a deep dark depression. The fact is that I tend to be a rather happy person, but when I do get down, the darkest side of sweet little Jamie can take over and I can become very despondent, even suicidal. It was a bad week. Well here I am again, back from the edge of that tall cliff – I haven’t stepped off yet.

Who remembers the movie/television series MASH…

Does anyone recall the words to the MASH theme song? It goes something like this,

“Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if I please.”

My version of the “To be or not to be…” question is somewhat different. The thing is that when I was young I made several very serious attempts at suicide – much more than cries for help and I very nearly succeeded - but here I am. The question still haunts me at times though. Do I really want to stay in this place when things get so hard? The fact is its difficult enough just lugging this body around, something always seems to hurt, you have to keep feeding it, breathing, it seems like it’s always too cold or too hot. What it comes down to is it’s difficult to maintain this body that’s always demanding so much. And trying just to survive? My gosh, a human form takes a lot to keep it going.

So, “To be or not to be? That is the question.”…

This is my answer. I don’t actually know what it’s like to be dead; if I’ve ever been dead I have no recollection of what it’s like. Since I don’t know what it’s like to be dead then what’s the value in assuming it will solve any problems? The fact is it may be better, it may be exactly the same as what I have now, or it may be even worse. I also don’t know what it’s like to live in Toledo, Ohio, it may be better, it may be exactly the same as what I have now, or it may be even worse. So why not give old Toledo a try first? I’m just saying that anyone contemplating such things really ought to think it through. All we know for sure is there is only a 33% chance that checking out of this mess will actually solve any problems. I don’t like the odds. So here I stay. Still I do have my rather perverse fascination with death that manifests itself in a fantasy of standing on a very high cliff in total darkness. Will I slip and fall? Will Edger Allen Poe’s ‘Imp of the Perverse’ get the best of me and I step off? Will I be pushed into oblivion? The fantasy is whether or not angels will catch me and gently set me back atop the cliff or will I have one last wild ride into the unknown? This intrigues me to no end. Well the fact is this cat has already used around 6 of her 9 lives so we’ll see what happens.

This is how I got so far down this time…

Around 5 months ago I found a surgeon that agreed to do a surgery I’ve wanted for a lifetime, the thing that could finally make me feel normal, yup – the big one, gender affirming or trans-vaginal surgery. I was led to believe that everything was good then at the last minute (after 5 months) she reneged. Mind you, this is the second surgeon that’s let me down like this, also in the mix was a cosmetic surgeon that was supposed to give me breast implants but messed up. I had put all my trust in these people but once again, nothing, not a damn thing. It hurts. On top of all that, I’d finally managed to kick a terrible addiction to prescription narcotics – morphine, just a mere 6 weeks prior (the addiction had lasted for somewhere between 5 and 7 years – I don’t recall for sure). I’d also had to stop hormone therapy for the surgery. I was under a considerable amount of stress due to book keeping errors I’d made at my church (I’m the financial secretary). Nobody thought I’d done anything wrong – everything was there, just in the wrong categories. All this right after the holiday season - I reached my breaking point I guess.

My friends worry about me sometimes…

Sometimes my closest friends worry about me; they say I’m too gullible. Especially after a number of times that I trusted someone (someone like the guy that turned out to be none other than Jeffrey Dahmer himself). They ask me when I’m going to learn to be more critical about people? My answer, “Not likely to be any time soon I guess.” Somehow I’ve gotten this far but with a lot of help from what I perceive as divine intervention. Why? I have no idea, but here I am.

So from this sweet hippie chick to my wonderful friends (I am glad to be here, I love y’all so much)

Big hugs and kisses always.

January 12 2019 - Friends go on vacation and a bit about justice...

Well I just dropped my friend off at the train station. He’s spending the night in LA and catching an early flight to New Orleans, then on to Biloxi. I like my friend a lot. If you’re reading this my dear then all I can say is “Well I guess it worked, you’re finally reading my blog”.  lol And I didn’t even mention you by name… yet!

What I really want to talk a little about today is the lgbtq+ perspective and transgenders in particular. Of course we have to deal with a fair number of stupid people but I feel many of us go about winning the hearts and minds of the world in all the wrong ways. There will always be people that have the need to belittle others and it makes me angry just like everyone else but I believe the key is not in getting angry at anyone and reacting with anger, that is really counterproductive. Nobody can force anyone to feel or believe anything they don’t want to feel or believe. From my perspective our best bet is to show that we are just like everyone else and rather than anger, show our dignity and our pride – just be our sweet lovable selves being unapologetically me (whoever your me happens to be). People respond to positive people in a far better way than to angry people. Sure, appealing to the worst of humanity will get some on your side but there have been too many times that I’ve heard about people like neo-Nazis doing a complete turnaround just by getting to know a few of the people they used to hate.

Amazing huh…

Think about the really great people like the late Martin Luther King Jr. He didn’t attack hate groups like the Ku Klux Klan or neo-Nazis, but instead shared his wisdom and humanity. He was a man that had a life of awful oppression but MLK stood up and spoke in terms of “I had a dream…” words that still cause a tingle through my body and bring a tear to my eyes. Or “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that”. Or another “Let no man pull you low enough to hate him”. These words and very many more are so inspiring to me. Of course we all honor him to this day and celebrate his life, sadly, we also recall this great man’s fate - that he was assassinated, but does anyone recall the assassin’s name? And nobody even cares what the guy’s name was or what he supposedly stood for. But we will always remember Martin Luther King Jr.

I want to be more of an ambassador…

I may well be the worst possible person to be reaching out to the so-called “Straight” folks just because I tend to be so weird; then again, perhaps it’s my weirdness that’s my greatest asset. I have a very colorful past and wrote about a little of it in my book This Little Light Of Mine – Jamie. I’ve always walked in very gray areas of life and this has gotten me into a fair amount of tough situations but also has had tremendous rewards. I’ve met incredible people along the way and have done some very interesting things. While it can make for entertaining stories to some, the fact that I talk too much can also get on people’s nerves. I don’t mean to, it’s just my crazy brain at work. I truly believe that we are all meant to get along and can easily accomplish this. This is what great people believe and although I’m not one of the greats, in fact I’m kind of stupid most of the time, I choose to follow this belief and will continue on.

It’s late…

It’s after 4 pm on Saturday. I usually do the bulk of my writing before 9 am but today just slipped by. I think I’ll wrap up now. So from the sweet hippie chick,

Big hugs and blessings always

January 11, 2019 - Can you hear the beating of my oh so amorous heart…

Well I guess it was around a year ago that I spoke a little about love. Now I can finally write about what it’s like to be in love. Yes my little heart has been taken by a great guy. His name’s Kevin and we met through a dating site. I think I mentioned a little about that in my last post. I had a lot of responses but only one caught my attention. When I say caught my attention I mean he’s just knocking me off my feet. Ya’, it’s really like that.

I need to regress a moment for the sake of my friends, please be patient, everyone knows I talk too much – way too much. But this needs more than just a casual mention

But yes, Jamie’s in love…

I have to say this because my close friends know what my attitude has been for some time now. I’ve often been heard to say, “This kitty don’t do well on a leash…” meaning of course I do as I please, I like my wine, weed, and freedom – just like any cat, or should I say, “A chick with trans-feline dysphoria”. I have so many cat like expressions to this little bundle of neurosis I call me. Like any cat I’ve hopped into a few people’s laps and just purred away, but the first ball of string I’d see would make me forget all about that. But also in the mode of a true feline, sometimes one will come along and I have an instant and permanent attachment. Well that’s exactly what happened when I met Kevin. I don’t mean to sound aloof as cats are so often seen. I’m just good inside myself and that was enough. Oh my, how quickly things can change.

Why am I like this? I don’t know. I like to say it’s the hormones but I tend to be kind of weird even without them. Maybe it’s because my poor little head has been banged around too much, I mean after all, I’ve had my head beaten against the hood of a car (by a couple of big bullies), It’s been split open with a brick (that was just another loving abuser), I’ve gone head first into a brick wall after falling down a flight of stairs (my own fault here – I was quite intoxicated), that's just to name a few but enough for now. Perhaps it’s roots go down to that place of my peculiar fascination with death which manifests in my fantasy of standing in complete darkness on the edge of a high tall cliff imagining what the fall would be like - how exciting that last crazy ride would be. Whatever the cause, I know I’m weird but I do like being me so there you have it.

So now, Jamie’s in love…

It’s funny how we can be so content without any expectation of change. Even my roommates (the people that own the house I rent a room in) started asking me why I don’t settle down with someone, why I didn’t even date any more. Well when you’re happy within yourself a couple of things can happen. First you can be very content all alone writing blogs, books, and articles for church newsletters. Another thing that can happen is someone comes along and because you have this inner spiritual happiness you are now ready to open your heart if the right person does happen to come along.

So along comes Kevin…

Perhaps I should apologize for carrying on the way I do, but once again, everyone that knows me will understand that I don’t take apologies lightly. If I apologize for something it’s because I’m sincerely sorry and am going to change whatever I’ve been doing that requires an apology. You see, so many people just apologize to get themselves off the hook somehow. Somehow just saying you’re sorry makes it all okay and the bad behavior continues. I won’t do that. So with that in mind I give no apology for my carrying on here. I’m in love and it feels good.

Well I guess that’s it for today, but please be sure to have a look at our pic below.

And as always, from the spiritual hippie chick...

Big hugs and blessings to all.

January 8, 2019 - I took the red pill, won't you join me...

It’s still raining here in So-Cal and cold too. I can’t believe how my Wisconsin blood has changed. When I first moved here 40 F didn’t seem too bad, now 60 F is very chilly. Still my heart yearns to go back east even with the frigid cold winters. Billy Joel wrote a song a long time ago and sings about having a New York state of mind. I guess that’s how I feel. There’s an entirely different perspective on life on the different coasts – both perspectives are valid and good, but my heart lies in the cities of the east with the buses, trains, and people walking on busy streets with tall buildings. LA just somehow never felt like a real city to me.

But I do have a plan…

Things are finally coming together after a considerable struggle that's been going on for years and I've now been released from the grip of my current location in the dessert. A friend of mine that likes to travel knows some secrets about long term life on the road and has shared much with me. Hopefully within 6 months to a year I’ll be on a course composed of buses, trains and Airbnb to allow me to take a slow meander across this beautiful country called the United States of America – a place where the native people are considered foreign and although nearly everyone is of immigrant decent we call it ‘Our Land’. But I’m not going to rehash all that. I think we all know that story now.

Now I'm telling my story...

‘Let us be lovers we’ll marry our fortunes together,’
‘I’ve got some real-estate here in my bag,’
‘So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies,’
‘And walked off to look for America.’

Those lines are from an old Simon and Garfunkel song called ‘America’. I suppose it’s always been something of a dream of mine to travel through this country at a sort of hitchhiker’s pace. I’d really prefer a travel companion but it looks like it’s just going to be me. The important thing is picking up our deep inner questions and asking them aloud then searching for the answers. It was kind of the old hippie quest to find America. Translated this really means a journey of self-discovery. In our western world we quickly become enslaved to a way of life that tends to repress individuality. We’re expected to conform to standards as if in the military and to march to a beat of forever supporting an amorphic concept of something called progress and promotion of social norms. It reminds me so much of the Roman society based on a military paradigm of streets and avenues laid out in a grid found nowhere in the natural universe. It’s taken many years but the status quo is changing. I think that’s why I so admire the millennial generation. The millennials seem to be the fruit of my generation’s struggle for social change and equality for all. Actually I think it began with my parents’ generation after seeing the hideous results of war and the stagnation that rises from a repression of different people and each unique culture. Sadly, there are still those that fight this change but in my heart of hearts I believe so much in the words of the great Martin Luther King Jr that state, “The moral arc of the universe is long but it bends towards justice”.

So we move on through time and space on an unexplained adventure having taken on a quest long ago forgotten. Like in the Hymn Of The Pearl we know there’s something important to do but we have forgotten that mission. Maybe once we all learn to get along and respect all things our collective consciousness will recall that mission and like Neo in The Matrix suddenly reality will become clear. I’ve had a number of experiences on the other side of the veil, some induced by hallucinogens like peyote, psilocybin mushrooms, and their synthetic cousin known as LSD, other experiences have been through many hours in deep meditation. There is so much more to this fascinating thing we so flippantly refer to as ‘life’ than the standard awareness allows. Join me won’t you? Take the red pill. See you down the rabbit hole.

Big hugs and much love always.

January 5, 2019 - Doing my very best and hoping to get back to my writing…

Hi there everyone. I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything here on my little place in cyber land. Did anyone miss me? I certainly missed you all. Hopefully this will be the time I get back to writing, something I do so love to do. Or maybe I just like to talk. No matter. It’s so nice to be back.

“Life is what happens when you’re busy doing other things.” Said the late John Lennon

With that thought in mind let me say that life most surely has been happening – my goodness a lot has happened since I last shared thoughts with you all. I can now reach out to so many many more folks through the miracle of 21st century magic and mayhem known as social media. I hope you all enjoy this. In my day to day life some of my friends (exclusively my male friends) insist I talk to much – way too much. My very best friend tells me on a regular basis that he asks only one thing of me and that is to please, “Shut the f**k up!” I honestly thought he was just messing with me until he recently played for me a YouTube video of a comedian in San Francisco. The comedian was complaining about political correctness, and among other things, how it is now wrong to refer to trans women as “Chicks with dicks”. Now he says they’re just “Men that talk too much…”. I suppose I should be offended but it’s funny and so very true so I take no offense. Now I understand what my friends have been putting up with.

Speaking of friends I've recently made a lot of new friends through a trans dating sight. I'd like to just give them a big hello. Of course I'm not going to mention any names since privacy is always a sensitive subject with many. To all the guys calling and texting me, please be patient, it's a busy day and I'm not ignoring you.

Another shout out goes to my old friend Bree and her friend Roman (hope I remembered that right). Hope you all are doing well.

For those of you that were keeping up with my past posts I want to inform you that our mission of ending homelessness through the efforts of some of my fellow congregants and I at church failed. While not a miserable failure we only were able to help a couple of folks - and when I say help, I mean letting them camp on the property for several months then helping them move on. We tried.

My personal mission of providing a safe place for anyone needing the support and comfort of a friend is still in full force. Whoever you may be or whatever your perceived undesirability, you can spend time with me and I’ll give you all the comfort and love that I can, your secrets forever safe, never judging you as long as nobody's being harmed.

In other news, it's starting to rain here. Hope there's no mudslides in the burn areas.

Well hopefully I can maintain a regular posting now. I’m still that sweet hippie chick that believes in peace, love, and justice for all. I do want to share that as well as being that sweet hippie chick I have also been honored by some with the titles, “Tranny Granny” and “GILF or GYLF”. Ooooooo, this old girl still got it!

Thanks for allowing me to share this. Big hugs and blessings to all.