January 24, 2019 - The demonization of cigarette smokers...

Well I don’t expect this to be a terribly popular opinion that I’m sharing today but then I still have not mastered my friends requests to “Please shut the f**k up (yet still they love me - and oh how I so enjoy the way they sometimes express that love).” So on and on I ramble. This opinion does come with a disclaimer though which is that I have no doubt that cigarette smoking is not a desirable thing to do and I’m not advocating or suggesting anyone should smoke, just please allow others to do as they see fit as long as it’s not hurting someone else.

Please stop the demonization of cigarette smokers…

Yes, cigarette smokers have become demonized. If someone is puffing away and not being considerate of others being exposed to the smoke, then yes absolutely, please speak up. But it’s gotten to a point of going too far, especially here in Southern California. Just the knowledge of my habit sends some into a frenzy of unfair judgement. There is a city close by that has banned cigarettes entirely. What purpose is that serving? Automobiles, power companies, and factories are still belching out poison at an alarming rate. Even the electric and hybrid vehicles are destroying the environment without mercy. Cars are by far the number one cause of death and injury even surpassing (by far) cigarettes and firearms combined. So why do we choose hypocrisy over tolerance? For example, on Thanksgiving of 2017 I went with a friend to a dinner with her family. My friend is in her mid-80’s. After eating, and by the way, I don’t eat animals, so after eating a lovely dinner and having gone many hours without my fix, I asked my friend if there was somewhere I could smoke. My friend got a horrified look on her face and whispered, “I told them you’re transgender but I didn’t tell them you smoke.” It’s popular nowadays to have a gay, lesbian, or transgender friend but smokers like me are considered the very spawn of Satan himself by many. I went to the person that owned the home and asked if I could go outside somewhere and smoke. I was shown a spot where their smoking friends go and was politely told it was no problem. I made a joke about how not so long ago it was an awful sin to be in the LGBT+ category and cigarette smoking was cool – now it was the complete opposite. We all had a smile and agreement over this and off I went to get my nicotine. Somehow we all managed to survive the incident.

It really is an overreaction…

In this I see a couple of human qualities at work. One is the hypocrisy that plagues us all which of course includes me. As I’ve already pointed out, automobiles are the number one cause of death and injury today. Something else to consider is the new battery technology used in hybrid/electric vehicles and also in the ‘oh so popular’ cell phones we’ve come to depend on. The new battery technology uses lithium which is mined in Africa using slave labor. Lithium has now taken over the spot vacated by blood diamonds. Nobody wants to give up the convenience of cars and cell phones – someone else should be held accountable.

But we still need an enemy…

For some reason we as people, again myself included, seem to need a place to focus the darkness we see in ourselves. We as humans tend to see patterns where none exist so we create stigmas and stereotypes then so self-righteously hate, love, or fear our concocted angels and demons. At one time it was people of African or Asian genealogy that were unfairly judged and held in awful contempt. Common sense was that these people were somehow inferior and dangerous. Amazingly, this bizarre use of an ancient and no longer needed survival mechanism is still at work in us, and to a great extent, also includes femininity. There is nothing inherently factual about accepted norms. We need to be very critical about our beliefs. My rule is, it’s okay if you’re not hurting anyone. The things I like or dislike in others are a reflection of myself and recognizing this gives me an opportunity towards understanding and accepting myself and others. We are warned, “Judge not lest ye be judged, and what measure of forgiveness you show others will be shown unto you.” The way I see that is if we judge and condemn others we’ll hurt ourselves in the process now in this lifetime – not get beat up by an angry god when we attempt to secure a most certainly undeserved place in heaven. It’s just the way my silly little brain works I suppose.

Let me repeat…

Again, I’m not advocating the use of tobacco or any form of nicotine – it’s a dangerous and addictive drug. Another dangerous and addictive practice is the demonization of others. Regardless of what our race, religion, gender orientation/expression, healthy practices, or unhealthy practices we all have the right to live our lives the way we see fit as long as we respect the rights of others. I’ve been trying desperately to stop the nicotine dependency that still afflicts myself and others. As I told in my previous post I recently broke free of a prescription morphine addiction I fought with for years. The narcotic epidemic we now face (3 million+ people addicted) is the direct result of a dishonest greedy pharmaceutical industry. Cigarette companies targeted children and others in my generation and it was despicable to say the least. Please stop demonizing us, please.

As always, from the sweet hippie chick…

Big hugs and much love always.

January 22, 2019 - To be or not to be...

It’s been a bit longer than I’d intended since my last post, and on top of that, I just noticed I hadn’t actually posted my last post. Time to get my little transgender butt in gear. The past week was a difficult one. For my new friends that I met through the trans dating site, I haven’t been ignoring you, I’ve just been a serious basket case locked in my room searching for a way out of a deep dark depression. The fact is that I tend to be a rather happy person, but when I do get down, the darkest side of sweet little Jamie can take over and I can become very despondent, even suicidal. It was a bad week. Well here I am again, back from the edge of that tall cliff – I haven’t stepped off yet.

Who remembers the movie/television series MASH…

Does anyone recall the words to the MASH theme song? It goes something like this,

“Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if I please.”

My version of the “To be or not to be…” question is somewhat different. The thing is that when I was young I made several very serious attempts at suicide – much more than cries for help and I very nearly succeeded - but here I am. The question still haunts me at times though. Do I really want to stay in this place when things get so hard? The fact is its difficult enough just lugging this body around, something always seems to hurt, you have to keep feeding it, breathing, it seems like it’s always too cold or too hot. What it comes down to is it’s difficult to maintain this body that’s always demanding so much. And trying just to survive? My gosh, a human form takes a lot to keep it going.

So, “To be or not to be? That is the question.”…

This is my answer. I don’t actually know what it’s like to be dead; if I’ve ever been dead I have no recollection of what it’s like. Since I don’t know what it’s like to be dead then what’s the value in assuming it will solve any problems? The fact is it may be better, it may be exactly the same as what I have now, or it may be even worse. I also don’t know what it’s like to live in Toledo, Ohio, it may be better, it may be exactly the same as what I have now, or it may be even worse. So why not give old Toledo a try first? I’m just saying that anyone contemplating such things really ought to think it through. All we know for sure is there is only a 33% chance that checking out of this mess will actually solve any problems. I don’t like the odds. So here I stay. Still I do have my rather perverse fascination with death that manifests itself in a fantasy of standing on a very high cliff in total darkness. Will I slip and fall? Will Edger Allen Poe’s ‘Imp of the Perverse’ get the best of me and I step off? Will I be pushed into oblivion? The fantasy is whether or not angels will catch me and gently set me back atop the cliff or will I have one last wild ride into the unknown? This intrigues me to no end. Well the fact is this cat has already used around 6 of her 9 lives so we’ll see what happens.

This is how I got so far down this time…

Around 5 months ago I found a surgeon that agreed to do a surgery I’ve wanted for a lifetime, the thing that could finally make me feel normal, yup – the big one, gender affirming or trans-vaginal surgery. I was led to believe that everything was good then at the last minute (after 5 months) she reneged. Mind you, this is the second surgeon that’s let me down like this, also in the mix was a cosmetic surgeon that was supposed to give me breast implants but messed up. I had put all my trust in these people but once again, nothing, not a damn thing. It hurts. On top of all that, I’d finally managed to kick a terrible addiction to prescription narcotics – morphine, just a mere 6 weeks prior (the addiction had lasted for somewhere between 5 and 7 years – I don’t recall for sure). I’d also had to stop hormone therapy for the surgery. I was under a considerable amount of stress due to book keeping errors I’d made at my church (I’m the financial secretary). Nobody thought I’d done anything wrong – everything was there, just in the wrong categories. All this right after the holiday season - I reached my breaking point I guess.

My friends worry about me sometimes…

Sometimes my closest friends worry about me; they say I’m too gullible. Especially after a number of times that I trusted someone (someone like the guy that turned out to be none other than Jeffrey Dahmer himself). They ask me when I’m going to learn to be more critical about people? My answer, “Not likely to be any time soon I guess.” Somehow I’ve gotten this far but with a lot of help from what I perceive as divine intervention. Why? I have no idea, but here I am.

So from this sweet hippie chick to my wonderful friends (I am glad to be here, I love y’all so much)

Big hugs and kisses always.

January 12 2019 - Friends go on vacation and a bit about justice...

Well I just dropped my friend off at the train station. He’s spending the night in LA and catching an early flight to New Orleans, then on to Biloxi. I like my friend a lot. If you’re reading this my dear then all I can say is “Well I guess it worked, you’re finally reading my blog”.  lol And I didn’t even mention you by name… yet!

What I really want to talk a little about today is the lgbtq+ perspective and transgenders in particular. Of course we have to deal with a fair number of stupid people but I feel many of us go about winning the hearts and minds of the world in all the wrong ways. There will always be people that have the need to belittle others and it makes me angry just like everyone else but I believe the key is not in getting angry at anyone and reacting with anger, that is really counterproductive. Nobody can force anyone to feel or believe anything they don’t want to feel or believe. From my perspective our best bet is to show that we are just like everyone else and rather than anger, show our dignity and our pride – just be our sweet lovable selves being unapologetically me (whoever your me happens to be). People respond to positive people in a far better way than to angry people. Sure, appealing to the worst of humanity will get some on your side but there have been too many times that I’ve heard about people like neo-Nazis doing a complete turnaround just by getting to know a few of the people they used to hate.

Amazing huh…

Think about the really great people like the late Martin Luther King Jr. He didn’t attack hate groups like the Ku Klux Klan or neo-Nazis, but instead shared his wisdom and humanity. He was a man that had a life of awful oppression but MLK stood up and spoke in terms of “I had a dream…” words that still cause a tingle through my body and bring a tear to my eyes. Or “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that”. Or another “Let no man pull you low enough to hate him”. These words and very many more are so inspiring to me. Of course we all honor him to this day and celebrate his life, sadly, we also recall this great man’s fate - that he was assassinated, but does anyone recall the assassin’s name? And nobody even cares what the guy’s name was or what he supposedly stood for. But we will always remember Martin Luther King Jr.

I want to be more of an ambassador…

I may well be the worst possible person to be reaching out to the so-called “Straight” folks just because I tend to be so weird; then again, perhaps it’s my weirdness that’s my greatest asset. I have a very colorful past and wrote about a little of it in my book This Little Light Of Mine – Jamie. I’ve always walked in very gray areas of life and this has gotten me into a fair amount of tough situations but also has had tremendous rewards. I’ve met incredible people along the way and have done some very interesting things. While it can make for entertaining stories to some, the fact that I talk too much can also get on people’s nerves. I don’t mean to, it’s just my crazy brain at work. I truly believe that we are all meant to get along and can easily accomplish this. This is what great people believe and although I’m not one of the greats, in fact I’m kind of stupid most of the time, I choose to follow this belief and will continue on.

It’s late…

It’s after 4 pm on Saturday. I usually do the bulk of my writing before 9 am but today just slipped by. I think I’ll wrap up now. So from the sweet hippie chick,

Big hugs and blessings always

January 11, 2019 - Can you hear the beating of my oh so amorous heart…

Well I guess it was around a year ago that I spoke a little about love. Now I can finally write about what it’s like to be in love. Yes my little heart has been taken by a great guy. His name’s Kevin and we met through a dating site. I think I mentioned a little about that in my last post. I had a lot of responses but only one caught my attention. When I say caught my attention I mean he’s just knocking me off my feet. Ya’, it’s really like that.

I need to regress a moment for the sake of my friends, please be patient, everyone knows I talk too much – way too much. But this needs more than just a casual mention

But yes, Jamie’s in love…

I have to say this because my close friends know what my attitude has been for some time now. I’ve often been heard to say, “This kitty don’t do well on a leash…” meaning of course I do as I please, I like my wine, weed, and freedom – just like any cat, or should I say, “A chick with trans-feline dysphoria”. I have so many cat like expressions to this little bundle of neurosis I call me. Like any cat I’ve hopped into a few people’s laps and just purred away, but the first ball of string I’d see would make me forget all about that. But also in the mode of a true feline, sometimes one will come along and I have an instant and permanent attachment. Well that’s exactly what happened when I met Kevin. I don’t mean to sound aloof as cats are so often seen. I’m just good inside myself and that was enough. Oh my, how quickly things can change.

Why am I like this? I don’t know. I like to say it’s the hormones but I tend to be kind of weird even without them. Maybe it’s because my poor little head has been banged around too much, I mean after all, I’ve had my head beaten against the hood of a car (by a couple of big bullies), It’s been split open with a brick (that was just another loving abuser), I’ve gone head first into a brick wall after falling down a flight of stairs (my own fault here – I was quite intoxicated), that's just to name a few but enough for now. Perhaps it’s roots go down to that place of my peculiar fascination with death which manifests in my fantasy of standing in complete darkness on the edge of a high tall cliff imagining what the fall would be like - how exciting that last crazy ride would be. Whatever the cause, I know I’m weird but I do like being me so there you have it.

So now, Jamie’s in love…

It’s funny how we can be so content without any expectation of change. Even my roommates (the people that own the house I rent a room in) started asking me why I don’t settle down with someone, why I didn’t even date any more. Well when you’re happy within yourself a couple of things can happen. First you can be very content all alone writing blogs, books, and articles for church newsletters. Another thing that can happen is someone comes along and because you have this inner spiritual happiness you are now ready to open your heart if the right person does happen to come along.

So along comes Kevin…

Perhaps I should apologize for carrying on the way I do, but once again, everyone that knows me will understand that I don’t take apologies lightly. If I apologize for something it’s because I’m sincerely sorry and am going to change whatever I’ve been doing that requires an apology. You see, so many people just apologize to get themselves off the hook somehow. Somehow just saying you’re sorry makes it all okay and the bad behavior continues. I won’t do that. So with that in mind I give no apology for my carrying on here. I’m in love and it feels good.

Well I guess that’s it for today, but please be sure to have a look at our pic below.

And as always, from the spiritual hippie chick...

Big hugs and blessings to all.

January 8, 2019 - I took the red pill, won't you join me...

It’s still raining here in So-Cal and cold too. I can’t believe how my Wisconsin blood has changed. When I first moved here 40 F didn’t seem too bad, now 60 F is very chilly. Still my heart yearns to go back east even with the frigid cold winters. Billy Joel wrote a song a long time ago and sings about having a New York state of mind. I guess that’s how I feel. There’s an entirely different perspective on life on the different coasts – both perspectives are valid and good, but my heart lies in the cities of the east with the buses, trains, and people walking on busy streets with tall buildings. LA just somehow never felt like a real city to me.

But I do have a plan…

Things are finally coming together after a considerable struggle that's been going on for years and I've now been released from the grip of my current location in the dessert. A friend of mine that likes to travel knows some secrets about long term life on the road and has shared much with me. Hopefully within 6 months to a year I’ll be on a course composed of buses, trains and Airbnb to allow me to take a slow meander across this beautiful country called the United States of America – a place where the native people are considered foreign and although nearly everyone is of immigrant decent we call it ‘Our Land’. But I’m not going to rehash all that. I think we all know that story now.

Now I'm telling my story...

‘Let us be lovers we’ll marry our fortunes together,’
‘I’ve got some real-estate here in my bag,’
‘So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies,’
‘And walked off to look for America.’

Those lines are from an old Simon and Garfunkel song called ‘America’. I suppose it’s always been something of a dream of mine to travel through this country at a sort of hitchhiker’s pace. I’d really prefer a travel companion but it looks like it’s just going to be me. The important thing is picking up our deep inner questions and asking them aloud then searching for the answers. It was kind of the old hippie quest to find America. Translated this really means a journey of self-discovery. In our western world we quickly become enslaved to a way of life that tends to repress individuality. We’re expected to conform to standards as if in the military and to march to a beat of forever supporting an amorphic concept of something called progress and promotion of social norms. It reminds me so much of the Roman society based on a military paradigm of streets and avenues laid out in a grid found nowhere in the natural universe. It’s taken many years but the status quo is changing. I think that’s why I so admire the millennial generation. The millennials seem to be the fruit of my generation’s struggle for social change and equality for all. Actually I think it began with my parents’ generation after seeing the hideous results of war and the stagnation that rises from a repression of different people and each unique culture. Sadly, there are still those that fight this change but in my heart of hearts I believe so much in the words of the great Martin Luther King Jr that state, “The moral arc of the universe is long but it bends towards justice”.

So we move on through time and space on an unexplained adventure having taken on a quest long ago forgotten. Like in the Hymn Of The Pearl we know there’s something important to do but we have forgotten that mission. Maybe once we all learn to get along and respect all things our collective consciousness will recall that mission and like Neo in The Matrix suddenly reality will become clear. I’ve had a number of experiences on the other side of the veil, some induced by hallucinogens like peyote, psilocybin mushrooms, and their synthetic cousin known as LSD, other experiences have been through many hours in deep meditation. There is so much more to this fascinating thing we so flippantly refer to as ‘life’ than the standard awareness allows. Join me won’t you? Take the red pill. See you down the rabbit hole.

Big hugs and much love always.

January 5, 2019 - Doing my very best and hoping to get back to my writing…

Hi there everyone. I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything here on my little place in cyber land. Did anyone miss me? I certainly missed you all. Hopefully this will be the time I get back to writing, something I do so love to do. Or maybe I just like to talk. No matter. It’s so nice to be back.

“Life is what happens when you’re busy doing other things.” Said the late John Lennon

With that thought in mind let me say that life most surely has been happening – my goodness a lot has happened since I last shared thoughts with you all. I can now reach out to so many many more folks through the miracle of 21st century magic and mayhem known as social media. I hope you all enjoy this. In my day to day life some of my friends (exclusively my male friends) insist I talk to much – way too much. My very best friend tells me on a regular basis that he asks only one thing of me and that is to please, “Shut the f**k up!” I honestly thought he was just messing with me until he recently played for me a YouTube video of a comedian in San Francisco. The comedian was complaining about political correctness, and among other things, how it is now wrong to refer to trans women as “Chicks with dicks”. Now he says they’re just “Men that talk too much…”. I suppose I should be offended but it’s funny and so very true so I take no offense. Now I understand what my friends have been putting up with.

Speaking of friends I've recently made a lot of new friends through a trans dating sight. I'd like to just give them a big hello. Of course I'm not going to mention any names since privacy is always a sensitive subject with many. To all the guys calling and texting me, please be patient, it's a busy day and I'm not ignoring you.

Another shout out goes to my old friend Bree and her friend Roman (hope I remembered that right). Hope you all are doing well.

For those of you that were keeping up with my past posts I want to inform you that our mission of ending homelessness through the efforts of some of my fellow congregants and I at church failed. While not a miserable failure we only were able to help a couple of folks - and when I say help, I mean letting them camp on the property for several months then helping them move on. We tried.

My personal mission of providing a safe place for anyone needing the support and comfort of a friend is still in full force. Whoever you may be or whatever your perceived undesirability, you can spend time with me and I’ll give you all the comfort and love that I can, your secrets forever safe, never judging you as long as nobody's being harmed.

In other news, it's starting to rain here. Hope there's no mudslides in the burn areas.

Well hopefully I can maintain a regular posting now. I’m still that sweet hippie chick that believes in peace, love, and justice for all. I do want to share that as well as being that sweet hippie chick I have also been honored by some with the titles, “Tranny Granny” and “GILF or GYLF”. Ooooooo, this old girl still got it!

Thanks for allowing me to share this. Big hugs and blessings to all.