April 17, 2018 - Just A Little Light Conversation Tonight

Good evening everyone. I’m so happy you’ve dropped by. We just finished up with our Community Dinner at my church. I enjoy it so much. We have some incredible folks at this church that give so much. The dinner here is only once or twice per month depending on how things work out, but the folks that join us for the food and socializing say they like ours the best. We set out tables with flowers and chocolates and much of the food comes from our garden which is all organic, non-GMO, and of course picked fresh for the dinner. One of our church members, Timmy, is a very talented performer that entertains with his singing and guitar playing. Oh I love his music, it takes me back to my best memories of warm summer nights in the park on Lake Michigan drinking wine, smoking pot, and making love to the music of people like Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, Simon And Garfunkle, Jimmy Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and so on. It was a very special time for me. The world was changing. Equality for all races, genders, and gender expressions was taking root. We’ve come a long way. We still have such a long way to go. I have so much faith in the generation we call millennials, I believe they are going to do great things. I want to tell them to ignore the older generation’s remarks that put them down, this happens with every generation. I also want to apologize for the terrible mess we’ve handed them but they should see what we were given. Like every generation before us we did our best and now it’s their turn. Best of luck kids.

I just got the stats on who’s been dropping in on this blog, well not specific details, just where everyone is from. We have people from the United States, Ukraine, Germany, Russia, Poland, Portugal, Canada, France, Australia, and India. I’d really like to hear from you all. What brings you here? What are your countries like? Maybe a little bit about what you’re like as people. Are there any other transgenders visiting? Are you interested in alternative perspectives? I’d really like to know.

Tonight feels like such a very special night. Ellen, the woman that does most of the preparation and organizing for the Community Dinner, gave me a really cool sweater. It’s long, black, and frilly – very retro which is just my style. She also gave me the coolest card on Sunday, it has a picture of a kitten dressed all Hawaiian on the front (Ellen is from Hawaii). Everyone has left and I’m sitting here by myself keeping an eye on things so a few of the local homeless can use our bathrooms. I have 2 bottles of nice red wine just waiting to be sipped but I think I’ll save them for another time. There’s a homeless woman sleeping in the shed on our back patio, Bree is her name and we’ve become good friends. Bree has awful demons that torment her at times without mercy. I do my best to give her a safe place and she has told me that this is the only place she feels secure but I wish I could do more. I’m so sleepy tonight and I’m ready for bed. Just a little longer then it’s off to my little hide-a-way.

Well I’m keeping this one short and sweet. I was so happy to find out that there were so many people from around the world taking an interest in my little place in cyberspace. I really do want the world to see who we as transgender people really are. We’re just like everyone else – so much more than a simple label can begin to describe.

Big hugs, many blessings, and lots of love to all.

April 10, 2018 - Trans Visibility Day

I went to an event celebrating Trans Visibility Day last Saturday in Santa Barbara with my very special and talented friend Celia who spoke and did a musical performance for the show. Celia grew up in India and is what is known as gender fluid since she likes presenting herself as female but has no desire to be anything but the male gender she was born into. Celia has a wife and adult child that know she goes out as female, she is only attracted to women and is quite dedicated to and happy with her wife. I, on the other hand, am what I suppose would be considered the classic text book mtf transgender who sees the external genitals I was born with as a hideous birth defect that I want to remove and preferably get fixed. I like men and have never had children. Everyone has their own way of expressing themselves on the great gender spectrum as it is commonly referred to. I happen to love being trans female even though I find my current parts repulsive – on me that is, but can be very pleasant on someone else. So I often wonder why there is so much shame that many want to impose on being trans. I was created this way and it is very real and natural to me. In my heart of hearts I’m just a sweet little spiritual hippy chick sharing my gifts in the best way I know. Everyone is different, even among trans and all lgbtq+ as well as cis hetero people.

So what’s to be ashamed of?

It’s very sad that many trans are self-loathing but what to me can be even worse are the people we love and care for being ashamed to be associated with us. I can’t begin to tell you the pain in hearing a friend or lover tell me they don’t want anyone to see us together for fear that it will be assumed that a sexual relationship is going on. First of all why should people enjoying each others friendship imply anything at all? But I also have to ask, if being attracted to me on a sexual level is so awful, why do so many find it so arousing? I’m not kinky and need to love and be loved like anyone else. Of course not everyone feels this fear or shame and I have an incredible level of appreciation and respect for those who do accept and stand with us. I love being trans even though I had no say in the matter, the folks that take me for who I am and stand by me do so by choice – they are the heroes in my heart.

But can you imagine, someone actually falling in love with me and wanting to express that love? Oh the depravity of it all! Trans are only here to fulfill kinky sexual fantasies because we are just sick perverts after all.

You know what? My heart can love a much deeper love than you might ever imagine.

I will give my heart to something or someone without hesitation and I’ve certainly cried my share of tears but I have a special way of looking at it. I see my passion and my love as my life’s currency and will risk disappointment or a broken heart with eyes wide open, but there is a condition… I look at the spending of this very valuable treasure as an investment and I do expect a return on my investments. Of course I sometimes win and I sometimes loose, I may receive a heart of gold or I may cry a river of tears but still receive an ocean of love and in the end that makes it all worthwhile and I will continue to take the chance.

So anyhow, the reason behind the Trans Visibility event is to encourage folks to show the world who they are and hopefully become more accepted. I hope that this blog, the pictures I share, and of course my book will in some small way be my contribution to the cause. I love who I am and I hope you all feel the same about yourself.

Big hugs and blessings to all.

April 4, 2018 - I'm Here To Provide A Safe Place For You

Well this may seem a bit of a diversion from my standard thoughts but it is certainly coming from the perspective of the transgender spiritual hippy chick. I've been thinking quite a lot about my life's purpose or mission and have been able to put it into a sort of theme. It's funny that because of my gender expression and preferences I've met quite a lot of people that prefer to keep whatever relationship we may have had with each other a secret. It's sad, you know, that many feel their natural expression of who they are would bring them shame. My sexual preference is attraction to guys and because of the way my brain (and body to some extent) is wired it is considered a heterosexual male/female relationship - especially having been on long term hormone treatment. What I'm getting at, and maybe this is because of all the news about our current president's affairs with hookers and porn stars, what I'm getting at is so many of the secrets I keep make me feel like something of a White House Whore. I do have some very confidential stories but not all are about who I've slept with, many are things that people, especially lovers, have confided in me. To all out there that may be getting nervous, don't worry, your secrets are always safe with me - no matter how we may now feel about each other. I would never break a confidence.

With all that having been said, I believe my life's purpose is...

To provide a safe place where anyone may find shelter without fear of being judged or having demands made upon them.

It's a curious thing to think about, we all go through much the same journey of life that would seem to begin somewhere during gestation, a very safe and comfortable time that we develop and grow, unaware of what is to come. The rather violent experience of birth strikes and we begin another process of growing and learning for some unknown purpose but we define as a life. At some point we all will exit this existence much like we came into it - thrust from a womb we call a body into the mystery of what we call death. Where we came from and where we're going are unknown. We have faith and beliefs but really it is, at this time, a divine mystery to us. What is physical reality? How and why does it seem to exist? What possible purpose could it serve? Perhaps we'll know these things after the next transition into whatever is to come. Perhaps it will be more of a 'Lights Out' and there will be nothing more to experience. We just don't know.

So along the way we share our talents and gifts. Mine is to provide a safe place, an oasis along life's path where you can leave your fears and anxieties behind for a moment and just be who you are. A place where you can say or do things that only you and I will share. This is what I do.

My gosh, the day is just slipping by and I need to go. It was nice to share this moment with you.

Big hugs and blessings to all.

March 31, 2018 Confusion, Romance, And A little Bit More

Well life is certainly becoming hectic again. It seems that almost everything is running on a 'last minute changes' kind of schedule. Of course there's my new found talent of being able to piss people off just about every time I speak which keeps me busy, busy, busy. I'm delighted to say that the church garden is going strong with the miracle of our winter crop bursting green with peas, beans, and several varieties of lettuce. Of course the news is, as always, filled with the day to day insanity we call society where the names sometimes change but the dark bewildering ambiance varies only slightly from year to year. Speaking of insanity, there's also what passes as my love life but the details of that will be left to your imagination for now. Someday I may begin to talk about and share with you the physical manifestations of my oh-so-amorous-heart but I think that for now we'll just say I'm still that spiritual hippy chick that believes in free and open love and expressing my feelings in my own sincere and unique little little ways. Oh if they only knew.

Mainly I'd like to speak a bit about homelessness...

Seriously, so much time is being devoted to helping homeless that it's difficult to do much else. Sure I'm sneaking in a romantic interlude from time to time with a guy who can play my heart like a violin in the hands of Jean-Luc Ponty. The truth be known, it's not my heart that sings to his incredible creativity but to me sex is really a spiritual experience much like meditation.

Ooops, I digressed a bit. Let me start over. There's a few of us here at my church that have decided to solve the problem of homelessness, if not in the world, at least in Simi Valley. This is something that touches me in a very personal way since I was myself homeless for 7 months here in this little middle class town of straight-white-privilege. I'll share that story in another post with a piece I wrote for the church newsletter. I write a lot for the newsletter, another aspect of my busy, busy, busy chant. But pursuing such lofty goals as curing poverty, writing articles, and pulling weeds in the garden do take a fair amount of time. I apologize for being so scattered in my thoughts but my mind is wandering this morning. It could be the latest violin interlude but it's probably just the coffee.

Back to helping the homeless...

It started with a small group of folks using our back patio as a hiding place to sleep at night. When you live on the streets you have to learn a new set of rules. One such rule is to to become invisible or risk trouble with police. We are a sanctuary church that aims to provide a safe place for anyone that needs assistance. We often take a stand against perceived injustices with passive resistance and civil disobedience. Everyone is welcome regardless of religious beliefs, social status, gender orientation, political views, and yes, homelessness. So we allowed this small group to settle on our patio. I began staying here pretty much 24/7 to keep an eye on things and provide needed assistance while becoming friends with a few of our guests. Mind you, it's not just me doing the work but a group of kind folks who are also church members.

I learned a couple of things...

For a city of straight-white-privilege, Simi Valley can be very open and kind to those of us not playing the standard gender roles and other peaceful non-conformists. I also had a lesson in understanding a message in the New Testament. In the story of Jesus having a woman of ill repute (oh boy can I relate) clean his feat and anointing him with fine perfumed oils. His followers complained of such extravagance in that this expensive oil could have been used to raise money to help the poor. Jesus' response to them is, "There will always be poor." The usual interpretation I've always heard was some sort of blah, blah, blah that I really don't remember. I now see this as a profound message to us in how to view life and a much more discrete way of saying even our generosity is ultimately a selfish expression in that we're just making ourselves feel good in what would seem a noble gesture. I suppose it's my Gnostic perspective speaking again.

That's it for today, a police car just pulled up - gotta run.

Big hugs, much love, and many blessings to all.

January 28, 2018 - Where Is It Written That The Straight-White-Male Is The Standard For Normal?

You know it is a rather peculiar society we live in, or maybe I should say it’s our collective outlook that seems so strange to me. We have this notion that ‘normal’ is a Protestant-straight-white-male and anything else is something of a genetic abnormality or even an abomination. Well, okay, white women almost make the grade but even they have a long way to equality. Why is it such a big deal to have the first Black President? So many are hoping for the first female president. The first female transgender senator made all the news. When a pastor at a local church came out as gay it created an uproar that caused many to leave the church. I recall when, not all that long ago, females reporting news or weather were considered unacceptable since nobody would take them seriously. Are those of us that are not in the classification of straight-white-male really so much beneath this 'norm' that when we succeed as equals it makes society stop in it's tracks? I do hope that people are now beginning to understand that being black, LGBT, or even female are not choices people make, it’s just who we are and who we are happens to be just as good or bad as anyone else. And really I don’t think anybody can fit any label 100%, we all fall somewhere within a great spectrum of diversity shining our special light in the great rainbow of creation.

Maybe there’s something to it all though,

If you look at all these ‘firsties’ that come along they do tend to have some resemblance to what is considered attractive or desirable to the white collective. It’s much easier for a female trans to integrate into society if she’s somewhat pretty and the whiter a black person looks and acts the better their chances of being accepted into the straight-white-male group. This concept really began to become a rather disturbing part of history when large numbers of the straight-white-males began to explore different regions of the planet. When the first white people arrived in China they were seen as ugly and aggressive creatures with long pointed noses that were constantly being stuck into other people’s business. Look at the catastrophic effects this ‘only-white-is-normal’ had on Blacks and the natives in the Americas. When you consider that the religious beliefs of nearly all those of white European heritage are based in African spiritual practices it makes you wonder what’s up, remember the one known as Jesus was a North African Hebrew whose actual name is quite different and difficult for Europeans to pronounce so it was changed and a picture of a white European is now worshiped. It seems that pretty much every ethnic group has some sort of personified god or deity in charge that looks just like them. Why is it that so many of the straight-white-folks demand everyone accept and worship a white male heterosexual cis-gendered god? We can each have our unique understanding of the greater self with a higher purpose and still get along just fine – in fact it can be a good thing.

So anyhow I just wanted to share these thoughts with you all. Maybe I see the world somewhat different than most, I don’t know – I can’t read minds. But I think my perspective is shifted somewhat from the norm, a good friend of mine often tells me, “You know Jamie, you really live in your own little reality”, he believes the way I see things is kind of far out and usually gets a laugh. I do like to see people smile though.

So big hugs and blessings to all - I need to get ready for church. Have a wonderful day.

January 23, 2018 Drama, Issues, And Love

Hello. I hope all is well for everyone as we get up and running into the new year. How are those resolutions coming? I hope that positive new habits are being formed and whatever hopes you have for 2018 come true for you even better than you may have imagined. I'm hoping to get back into writing more, it's just been so busy, but writing is something I enjoy.

So has anybody else noticed an increase in in the drama some people have been bringing into their lives and the lives of others in the few weeks since this year began? I certainly have. It's strange, in the last year or two I've felt a definite shift in energy in the transition from one year to the next. Coming into 2017 I just knew and felt there was a very positive change that was going to be happening in my life -  as it turned out it was even better than I could've imagined. 2018 has a rather peculiar feel to it though. There seem to be some very strong forces at work behind this veil we so like to call 'reality'.  It feels like they have the potential to bring incredibly positive things and at the same time have some potential for the undesirable. While I feel some wonderful things are in the works, at the same time the drama I'm seeing is definitely something that to me is undesirable. But these are all lessons after all aren't they? I really oughtn't judge them. They just are.

The thing is that I tend to be a rather laid back individual. Why create problems where none exist? Oddly enough that very personality trait seems to be a hot button with many of the people that I know. I've had individuals bring very simple issues to me, like signing up for 2 offices in our church which turned out to be against the rules. A woman came to me and told me I couldn't be on 2 committees. I responded with, "Okay, take me off the second." A little while later the pastor, who also happens to be a very close friend and teacher, came to me asking what I said that so upset this woman. I told him I didn't know and we talked a bit about the conversation I'd had with her. He ended up having to bring her back for another discussion to explain that I wasn't upset, I just felt my suggestion was the simplest solution and the pastor agreed. Well anyhow, there have been quite a few instances like this where people seem to be trying to create problems where none exist. Has anyone else noticed this?

So much for drama and issues, I've also noticed some increase in the love I'm feeling and sharing with others.

I'd like to share my Facebook post with you rather than repeating the story:

Today I received the nicest gift anyone has ever given me. My friend Kathy who’s on the left side of the picture below found a heart left from a memorial service and an easel to put it on. She then covered it with a purple scarf and left it in front of our church. It was found and almost thrown away until they heard the story she told about it. When Curtis told the story to our congregation at Sunday Service I began crying the deepest tears of joy, love, and gratitude.

Kathy is a friend of mine who happens to be homeless. She has a depth of wisdom beyond most and a heart that I’m sure makes Jesus The Christ smile. Kathy made this as a gift to me. She told the person who found it that it was a ‘Purple Heart’ that she wanted to give me for my courage in being so open about my being transgender. As I so often say this is not an act of courage on my part, I happen to love being transgender and feel it’s a blessing and a gift. Kathy lives in a world that forces her to sleep outside with no guarantee of a meal from one day to the next. Kathy always has a smile and a hug for me and everyone else even though she faces her trials daily in a world that doesn’t know she exists. That smile and warm heart of hers are real courage that truly humbles me.

I’ve been blessed with some truly awesome and amazing friends.

In other matters of love...

Have you ever been in love? The romantic kind of love? I think love is wonderful but find I have to explain myself from time to time. See, to me if you love someone it's all about really appreciating who they are and letting your love set each other free and watching each other grow. All too often If I tell a guy I love him he either gets scared and runs or seems to believe that now he's got me under his control. Let me say first that this kitty doesn't do well on a leash and I have no desire to put a leash on someone else. One thing I never want to do with someone I love is change them, I fell in love with the person they are and just want us to grow together. As far as sex goes I feel it's just a way of expressing affection and is something that friends may choose to share on some level, some more, some less. It should be simple and spontaneous. What better way is there to show someone how you feel about them? I'm not talking about empty sex like just hooking up, I'm talking about sharing something very special with someone who is also very special.

Anyhow, I guess that's enough for tonight.

Big hugs and blessings to all.

January 6, 2018 - The New Year Has Begun!

The busy holiday season of 2017 is now a beautiful memory and the first few drops of 2018 are trickling through. Hi everyone, I missed you all. Last year wrapped up with so much excitement. I’m finally ready to catch up a bit. Where to begin???

I found a new book/new author that I’d like to share. Have you given up on your New Year’s resolutions yet? Whether you’re still following your new attempts at self-improvement, if you have given up on those things, or if you happen to be like me who is someone that doesn’t make New Year resolutions (I actually make no resolutions at all) this book is one terrific alternative for creating and maintaining new habits. I might add that I honestly don’t buy into that whole self-help thing, the way I see it, “I’m not broken, don’t start trying to fix me. I’m fine just the way I am.” So with those thoughts in mind, why not go ahead and check this out. Really, I think you should give this one a try, I’m sure you’ll like it.

Let’s start with who and what I’m talking about. The author is Dr. Mani and the title is, ‘Knife At A Gun Fight’. You can find it at Amazon or just follow this link. I must say that I like the title since it reminds me of the old Humphrey Bogart type bad boy (sigh - lol) movies but remember that we should never judge a book by its name or label. You will very quickly see the reasoning for this title early in the book and it makes so much sense. First of all let me just say that Dr. Mani is a heart surgeon by profession and also by his natural life process. He is of course so many other things including humanitarian, family man, and I suppose you could say a dedicated student of life. This book shows Dr. Mani’s unique insight to the intricate part of human nature known as ‘habits’ along with his uncanny ability to take a complex subject and make it an easy read while providing many times its own weight in the wisdom of how to change for the better. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that I’m a certified hypnotist proficient in several types of symbolistic techniques and have some formal training in the way the subconscious mind works – sometimes to our benefit, sometimes not so much. The subconscious is of course where our habits have their roots and needs special attention when making conscious positive change. Dr. Mani seems to know quite well this inner monitor that we all share. He casually strolls these paths in the mind like a walk in the garden while providing a typical self-dialog that is quick to bring a smile. So check it out,  Knife At A Gun Fight I like it and I think you will too.

In other thoughts of authors and gurus…

Have I ever mentioned my favorite, “Guru that doesn’t seem to know he’s a guru”? John Harricharan is a little wealth of wisdom who shares deeply spiritual ideas just like I eat PB&J’s for lunch. My favorite book by John is, ‘When You Can Walk On Water Take The Boat’. Typically he gives this one and many others away for free. John Harricharan is not your typical self-proclaimed guru or self-help guy, he just shares a deep inner wisdom that’s easy and fun to read. You should check him out too.

(Of course my book is still available but we can talk about that another time)

On the transitioning front…

Things are really moving along now. I love the changes I see happening to my external appearance and people are calling me ‘mam’ even when I don’t wear makeup or jewelry. Oh it feels so good every time I hear it. I’m once again aligning my outside self to my truest most sincere sense of who I am, who I’ve always been. It’s like being a butterfly that’s able to watch the metamorphosis as its happening. It feels so good! I’ve also had an appointment with the cosmetic surgeon for breast augmentation and almost had my first consultation with the gender reassignment surgeon but had to reschedule because he was stuck in surgery. It’s okay to wait a bit longer though, I mean I’ve been waiting a lifetime for this and I am a very patient person. A few more weeks won’t be too big of a deal. I just love being trans, its such a cool feeling to be going through life with this perspective. Since I’d already transitioned to, as they say, “full time female" once before, I know how wonderful it feels to really be able to express myself. Being complete will be incredible but right now is also quite incredible and exciting. You know I truly hope everyone out there knows how good it is to just be the person they were created to be. We’re these beautiful shining glimmers in the rainbow of life. Let the pretense go and shine bright!

Big hugs and blessings to everyone.