April 4, 2018 - I'm Here To Provide A Safe Place For You

Well this may seem a bit of a diversion from my standard thoughts but it is certainly coming from the perspective of the transgender spiritual hippy chick. I've been thinking quite a lot about my life's purpose or mission and have been able to put it into a sort of theme. It's funny that because of my gender expression and preferences I've met quite a lot of people that prefer to keep whatever relationship we may have had with each other a secret. It's sad, you know, that many feel their natural expression of who they are would bring them shame. My sexual preference is attraction to guys and because of the way my brain (and body to some extent) is wired it is considered a heterosexual male/female relationship - especially having been on long term hormone treatment. What I'm getting at, and maybe this is because of all the news about our current president's affairs with hookers and porn stars, what I'm getting at is so many of the secrets I keep make me feel like something of a White House Whore. I do have some very confidential stories but not all are about who I've slept with, many are things that people, especially lovers, have confided in me. To all out there that may be getting nervous, don't worry, your secrets are always safe with me - no matter how we may now feel about each other. I would never break a confidence.

With all that having been said, I believe my life's purpose is...

To provide a safe place where anyone may find shelter without fear of being judged or having demands made upon them.

It's a curious thing to think about, we all go through much the same journey of life that would seem to begin somewhere during gestation, a very safe and comfortable time that we develop and grow, unaware of what is to come. The rather violent experience of birth strikes and we begin another process of growing and learning for some unknown purpose but we define as a life. At some point we all will exit this existence much like we came into it - thrust from a womb we call a body into the mystery of what we call death. Where we came from and where we're going are unknown. We have faith and beliefs but really it is, at this time, a divine mystery to us. What is physical reality? How and why does it seem to exist? What possible purpose could it serve? Perhaps we'll know these things after the next transition into whatever is to come. Perhaps it will be more of a 'Lights Out' and there will be nothing more to experience. We just don't know.

So along the way we share our talents and gifts. Mine is to provide a safe place, an oasis along life's path where you can leave your fears and anxieties behind for a moment and just be who you are. A place where you can say or do things that only you and I will share. This is what I do.

My gosh, the day is just slipping by and I need to go. It was nice to share this moment with you.

Big hugs and blessings to all.

March 31, 2018 Confusion, Romance, And A little Bit More

Well life is certainly becoming hectic again. It seems that almost everything is running on a 'last minute changes' kind of schedule. Of course there's my new found talent of being able to piss people off just about every time I speak which keeps me busy, busy, busy. I'm delighted to say that the church garden is going strong with the miracle of our winter crop bursting green with peas, beans, and several varieties of lettuce. Of course the news is, as always, filled with the day to day insanity we call society where the names sometimes change but the dark bewildering ambiance varies only slightly from year to year. Speaking of insanity, there's also what passes as my love life but the details of that will be left to your imagination for now. Someday I may begin to talk about and share with you the physical manifestations of my oh-so-amorous-heart but I think that for now we'll just say I'm still that spiritual hippy chick that believes in free and open love and expressing my feelings in my own sincere and unique little little ways. Oh if they only knew.

Mainly I'd like to speak a bit about homelessness...

Seriously, so much time is being devoted to helping homeless that it's difficult to do much else. Sure I'm sneaking in a romantic interlude from time to time with a guy who can play my heart like a violin in the hands of Jean-Luc Ponty. The truth be known, it's not my heart that sings to his incredible creativity but to me sex is really a spiritual experience much like meditation.

Ooops, I digressed a bit. Let me start over. There's a few of us here at my church that have decided to solve the problem of homelessness, if not in the world, at least in Simi Valley. This is something that touches me in a very personal way since I was myself homeless for 7 months here in this little middle class town of straight-white-privilege. I'll share that story in another post with a piece I wrote for the church newsletter. I write a lot for the newsletter, another aspect of my busy, busy, busy chant. But pursuing such lofty goals as curing poverty, writing articles, and pulling weeds in the garden do take a fair amount of time. I apologize for being so scattered in my thoughts but my mind is wandering this morning. It could be the latest violin interlude but it's probably just the coffee.

Back to helping the homeless...

It started with a small group of folks using our back patio as a hiding place to sleep at night. When you live on the streets you have to learn a new set of rules. One such rule is to to become invisible or risk trouble with police. We are a sanctuary church that aims to provide a safe place for anyone that needs assistance. We often take a stand against perceived injustices with passive resistance and civil disobedience. Everyone is welcome regardless of religious beliefs, social status, gender orientation, political views, and yes, homelessness. So we allowed this small group to settle on our patio. I began staying here pretty much 24/7 to keep an eye on things and provide needed assistance while becoming friends with a few of our guests. Mind you, it's not just me doing the work but a group of kind folks who are also church members.

I learned a couple of things...

For a city of straight-white-privilege, Simi Valley can be very open and kind to those of us not playing the standard gender roles and other peaceful non-conformists. I also had a lesson in understanding a message in the New Testament. In the story of Jesus having a woman of ill repute (oh boy can I relate) clean his feat and anointing him with fine perfumed oils. His followers complained of such extravagance in that this expensive oil could have been used to raise money to help the poor. Jesus' response to them is, "There will always be poor." The usual interpretation I've always heard was some sort of blah, blah, blah that I really don't remember. I now see this as a profound message to us in how to view life and a much more discrete way of saying even our generosity is ultimately a selfish expression in that we're just making ourselves feel good in what would seem a noble gesture. I suppose it's my Gnostic perspective speaking again.

That's it for today, a police car just pulled up - gotta run.

Big hugs, much love, and many blessings to all.

January 28, 2018 - Where Is It Written That The Straight-White-Male Is The Standard For Normal?

You know it is a rather peculiar society we live in, or maybe I should say it’s our collective outlook that seems so strange to me. We have this notion that ‘normal’ is a Protestant-straight-white-male and anything else is something of a genetic abnormality or even an abomination. Well, okay, white women almost make the grade but even they have a long way to equality. Why is it such a big deal to have the first Black President? So many are hoping for the first female president. The first female transgender senator made all the news. When a pastor at a local church came out as gay it created an uproar that caused many to leave the church. I recall when, not all that long ago, females reporting news or weather were considered unacceptable since nobody would take them seriously. Are those of us that are not in the classification of straight-white-male really so much beneath this 'norm' that when we succeed as equals it makes society stop in it's tracks? I do hope that people are now beginning to understand that being black, LGBT, or even female are not choices people make, it’s just who we are and who we are happens to be just as good or bad as anyone else. And really I don’t think anybody can fit any label 100%, we all fall somewhere within a great spectrum of diversity shining our special light in the great rainbow of creation.

Maybe there’s something to it all though,

If you look at all these ‘firsties’ that come along they do tend to have some resemblance to what is considered attractive or desirable to the white collective. It’s much easier for a female trans to integrate into society if she’s somewhat pretty and the whiter a black person looks and acts the better their chances of being accepted into the straight-white-male group. This concept really began to become a rather disturbing part of history when large numbers of the straight-white-males began to explore different regions of the planet. When the first white people arrived in China they were seen as ugly and aggressive creatures with long pointed noses that were constantly being stuck into other people’s business. Look at the catastrophic effects this ‘only-white-is-normal’ had on Blacks and the natives in the Americas. When you consider that the religious beliefs of nearly all those of white European heritage are based in African spiritual practices it makes you wonder what’s up, remember the one known as Jesus was a North African Hebrew whose actual name is quite different and difficult for Europeans to pronounce so it was changed and a picture of a white European is now worshiped. It seems that pretty much every ethnic group has some sort of personified god or deity in charge that looks just like them. Why is it that so many of the straight-white-folks demand everyone accept and worship a white male heterosexual cis-gendered god? We can each have our unique understanding of the greater self with a higher purpose and still get along just fine – in fact it can be a good thing.

So anyhow I just wanted to share these thoughts with you all. Maybe I see the world somewhat different than most, I don’t know – I can’t read minds. But I think my perspective is shifted somewhat from the norm, a good friend of mine often tells me, “You know Jamie, you really live in your own little reality”, he believes the way I see things is kind of far out and usually gets a laugh. I do like to see people smile though.

So big hugs and blessings to all - I need to get ready for church. Have a wonderful day.

January 23, 2018 Drama, Issues, And Love

Hello. I hope all is well for everyone as we get up and running into the new year. How are those resolutions coming? I hope that positive new habits are being formed and whatever hopes you have for 2018 come true for you even better than you may have imagined. I'm hoping to get back into writing more, it's just been so busy, but writing is something I enjoy.

So has anybody else noticed an increase in in the drama some people have been bringing into their lives and the lives of others in the few weeks since this year began? I certainly have. It's strange, in the last year or two I've felt a definite shift in energy in the transition from one year to the next. Coming into 2017 I just knew and felt there was a very positive change that was going to be happening in my life -  as it turned out it was even better than I could've imagined. 2018 has a rather peculiar feel to it though. There seem to be some very strong forces at work behind this veil we so like to call 'reality'.  It feels like they have the potential to bring incredibly positive things and at the same time have some potential for the undesirable. While I feel some wonderful things are in the works, at the same time the drama I'm seeing is definitely something that to me is undesirable. But these are all lessons after all aren't they? I really oughtn't judge them. They just are.

The thing is that I tend to be a rather laid back individual. Why create problems where none exist? Oddly enough that very personality trait seems to be a hot button with many of the people that I know. I've had individuals bring very simple issues to me, like signing up for 2 offices in our church which turned out to be against the rules. A woman came to me and told me I couldn't be on 2 committees. I responded with, "Okay, take me off the second." A little while later the pastor, who also happens to be a very close friend and teacher, came to me asking what I said that so upset this woman. I told him I didn't know and we talked a bit about the conversation I'd had with her. He ended up having to bring her back for another discussion to explain that I wasn't upset, I just felt my suggestion was the simplest solution and the pastor agreed. Well anyhow, there have been quite a few instances like this where people seem to be trying to create problems where none exist. Has anyone else noticed this?

So much for drama and issues, I've also noticed some increase in the love I'm feeling and sharing with others.

I'd like to share my Facebook post with you rather than repeating the story:

Today I received the nicest gift anyone has ever given me. My friend Kathy who’s on the left side of the picture below found a heart left from a memorial service and an easel to put it on. She then covered it with a purple scarf and left it in front of our church. It was found and almost thrown away until they heard the story she told about it. When Curtis told the story to our congregation at Sunday Service I began crying the deepest tears of joy, love, and gratitude.

Kathy is a friend of mine who happens to be homeless. She has a depth of wisdom beyond most and a heart that I’m sure makes Jesus The Christ smile. Kathy made this as a gift to me. She told the person who found it that it was a ‘Purple Heart’ that she wanted to give me for my courage in being so open about my being transgender. As I so often say this is not an act of courage on my part, I happen to love being transgender and feel it’s a blessing and a gift. Kathy lives in a world that forces her to sleep outside with no guarantee of a meal from one day to the next. Kathy always has a smile and a hug for me and everyone else even though she faces her trials daily in a world that doesn’t know she exists. That smile and warm heart of hers are real courage that truly humbles me.

I’ve been blessed with some truly awesome and amazing friends.

In other matters of love...

Have you ever been in love? The romantic kind of love? I think love is wonderful but find I have to explain myself from time to time. See, to me if you love someone it's all about really appreciating who they are and letting your love set each other free and watching each other grow. All too often If I tell a guy I love him he either gets scared and runs or seems to believe that now he's got me under his control. Let me say first that this kitty doesn't do well on a leash and I have no desire to put a leash on someone else. One thing I never want to do with someone I love is change them, I fell in love with the person they are and just want us to grow together. As far as sex goes I feel it's just a way of expressing affection and is something that friends may choose to share on some level, some more, some less. It should be simple and spontaneous. What better way is there to show someone how you feel about them? I'm not talking about empty sex like just hooking up, I'm talking about sharing something very special with someone who is also very special.

Anyhow, I guess that's enough for tonight.

Big hugs and blessings to all.

January 6, 2018 - The New Year Has Begun!

The busy holiday season of 2017 is now a beautiful memory and the first few drops of 2018 are trickling through. Hi everyone, I missed you all. Last year wrapped up with so much excitement. I’m finally ready to catch up a bit. Where to begin???

I found a new book/new author that I’d like to share. Have you given up on your New Year’s resolutions yet? Whether you’re still following your new attempts at self-improvement, if you have given up on those things, or if you happen to be like me who is someone that doesn’t make New Year resolutions (I actually make no resolutions at all) this book is one terrific alternative for creating and maintaining new habits. I might add that I honestly don’t buy into that whole self-help thing, the way I see it, “I’m not broken, don’t start trying to fix me. I’m fine just the way I am.” So with those thoughts in mind, why not go ahead and check this out. Really, I think you should give this one a try, I’m sure you’ll like it.

Let’s start with who and what I’m talking about. The author is Dr. Mani and the title is, ‘Knife At A Gun Fight’. You can find it at Amazon or just follow this link. I must say that I like the title since it reminds me of the old Humphrey Bogart type bad boy (sigh - lol) movies but remember that we should never judge a book by its name or label. You will very quickly see the reasoning for this title early in the book and it makes so much sense. First of all let me just say that Dr. Mani is a heart surgeon by profession and also by his natural life process. He is of course so many other things including humanitarian, family man, and I suppose you could say a dedicated student of life. This book shows Dr. Mani’s unique insight to the intricate part of human nature known as ‘habits’ along with his uncanny ability to take a complex subject and make it an easy read while providing many times its own weight in the wisdom of how to change for the better. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that I’m a certified hypnotist proficient in several types of symbolistic techniques and have some formal training in the way the subconscious mind works – sometimes to our benefit, sometimes not so much. The subconscious is of course where our habits have their roots and needs special attention when making conscious positive change. Dr. Mani seems to know quite well this inner monitor that we all share. He casually strolls these paths in the mind like a walk in the garden while providing a typical self-dialog that is quick to bring a smile. So check it out,  Knife At A Gun Fight I like it and I think you will too.

In other thoughts of authors and gurus…

Have I ever mentioned my favorite, “Guru that doesn’t seem to know he’s a guru”? John Harricharan is a little wealth of wisdom who shares deeply spiritual ideas just like I eat PB&J’s for lunch. My favorite book by John is, ‘When You Can Walk On Water Take The Boat’. Typically he gives this one and many others away for free. John Harricharan is not your typical self-proclaimed guru or self-help guy, he just shares a deep inner wisdom that’s easy and fun to read. You should check him out too.

(Of course my book is still available but we can talk about that another time)

On the transitioning front…

Things are really moving along now. I love the changes I see happening to my external appearance and people are calling me ‘mam’ even when I don’t wear makeup or jewelry. Oh it feels so good every time I hear it. I’m once again aligning my outside self to my truest most sincere sense of who I am, who I’ve always been. It’s like being a butterfly that’s able to watch the metamorphosis as its happening. It feels so good! I’ve also had an appointment with the cosmetic surgeon for breast augmentation and almost had my first consultation with the gender reassignment surgeon but had to reschedule because he was stuck in surgery. It’s okay to wait a bit longer though, I mean I’ve been waiting a lifetime for this and I am a very patient person. A few more weeks won’t be too big of a deal. I just love being trans, its such a cool feeling to be going through life with this perspective. Since I’d already transitioned to, as they say, “full time female" once before, I know how wonderful it feels to really be able to express myself. Being complete will be incredible but right now is also quite incredible and exciting. You know I truly hope everyone out there knows how good it is to just be the person they were created to be. We’re these beautiful shining glimmers in the rainbow of life. Let the pretense go and shine bright!

Big hugs and blessings to everyone.

December 12, 2017 Christmas Is Quickly Approaching

Something very special happened again today - a good friend gave me an early Christmas gift. I've received quite a few unexpected gifts from friends over the last few months and this brings me so much happiness, more than I can begin to describe. Why is this sort of thing so special to me? I'd like to take a moment to talk a bit about these sorts of things and also why I'm so grateful for the wonderful blessings in my life. Please join me for a moment.

Today after the book reading group at church my friend Daniel walked up to me carrying a box in his hands. "Merry Christmas Jamie", he said handing me the box. "I was shopping for some things and saw this curling iron. I thought you might like it. Merry Christmas."

I was very excited as I struggled to open the box. I'd been wanting a curling iron and had been looking at some in the 20 to 25 dollar range but money still being rather tight I had to pass on it. I hadn't told anyone about wanting this, my hair is getting fairly long and because of the hormones is also getting thicker. It looks okay just combed nicely but a curling iron could work wonders. He handed me a key to cut a piece of tape that was holding the flap on the box closed. The key worked to cut through the tape but I was so excited about this gift I kept fumbling and couldn't seem to get it open. This wasn't just a cheap curling iron but a very nice professional type. Daniel offered to help taking the box and opening it for me.

He opened it and handed it back to me. I took the curling iron from the box and looked it over. It had a special motorized roller, different temperature settings, a timer to keep it tight for just the right amount of time and release it for the perfect curl, a beautiful carrying case, and much much more.

"Oh thank you thank you Daniel. This is incredible. You shouldn't have spent so much money but thank you so much", I told him. I was happy to nearly the point of tears and gave him a big hug. "I know you aren't really the hugging type but you know me...Please, just this once."

Daniel just smiled and said, "It's okay. I really didn't spend that much. But I saw it and thought you'd really like it so I got it for you. Merry Christmas."

Why is it that something like a curling iron could make me so happy? Let me tell you a little more before I explain. Okay? Thanks.

Last week I went to my friend Joy's to go for our regular walk. We sat down at the kitchen table for a few minutes to chat before walking.

"Oh by the way" Joy said, "I was going through some clothes to donate and found these shirts. You really need to wear something nicer than that old grey shirt... something a little more feminine. I saw these and right away thought of you." It's been getting cooler now with winter coming and I really did need some nice long sleeve tops but there's that old money issue getting in the way again. These shirts were very nice and I was thrilled to get them.

What's the big deal about some hand me downs? Just a little more and I promise to get to the point.

Last week Curtis and I were shopping for things for the Tree Decorating party, game night, and Campfire at the church. We needed to get things like food, little gifts, and other odds and ends. We seemed to keep going past the isles where they sell makeup and things. Curtis was teasing me a bit about how all these seemed to have "Jamie" written all over them. He is quite funny and always keeps me laughing. A minister that was previously a stand-up comic can have a special sense of humor. Curtis excels at both.

At one point we passed a section with makeup brushes. I saw some on sale that I really liked, I suppose it was obvious that I really liked them and wanted them but had to put them back on the shelf and walk away. Need I bring up the financial situation again? I won't. And I don't mean to sound as if I'm so poor and struggling just to survive, it's nothing like that at all, but I do have to watch my spending on things that aren't really necessities. Things like curling irons, long sleeve shirts, and makeup brushes have to stay low on the list.

So guess what? After we had gotten all that was needed for the celebration we went through the cash register line and he paid for all the things we'd gotten. After all the bagging was done Curtis reached into a bag and took out the makeup brushes I'd liked so much. "Merry Christmas Jamie." He said handing the package to me - he had paid for some of the things out of his own pocket and my gift was of course among those items. I was so happy, with a huge smile on my face I accepted my wonderful gift while seeing myself using them in my imagination.

There's been more. But this is enough for you to get the idea and now I can get to the point (finally).

Why do I get so excited about these things? It's not that they're rare or expensive gifts. They're not things I'd searched high and low for. I'm not so materialistic or spoiled that I have to have everything I get a little whim for. None-the-less these things are very special treasures to me. Think about it. Daniel during his busy day saw something he had no use for himself but thought, "Jamie would really like this." Joy while trying to get some work done saw some things and thought, "Jamie would really like this." Curtis in the hustle and bustle of shopping and party preparation saw something and thought, "Jamie would really like this."

I love my friends so much. They're very special and talented people who I look up to. We have many heart to heart conversations about the important things in life. I like to get them gifts too when I can. The thing is that it's not so much the material things we exchange that mean so much but the fact that someone who holds a special place in our heart feels the same way about us. We see each other as precious enough that just imaging  the smile it will bring is a gift we can all share.

Happy holidays and the best of blessings to everyone. I wish for many moments of happiness for you and the very special people in your life. I hope my little stories that I share can bring some joy and a smile to you. I was sitting here getting ready for bed and thought to myself, "This may be something you would really like." It's not much but I hope it makes you happy.

December 5, 2017 - Wildfires, The Holiday Season, And Hoping To Find A Job

The wildfires in Southern California are hitting very close to home. There's a lot of smoke blowing through the area and it feels pretty creepy. They have told us to be ready to evacuate tonight. I have actually been much closer to fires in the past and never had to evacuate. Right now I'm just hoping that the power stays on.

The holiday season is upon us and I'm so excited. This year is the first time I've actually been looking forward to it. There had been some very difficult years of personal loss in all areas of my life. I'd lost family, life savings, and even my home which left my cats and I living in the car for 7 long months. I have no cats right now for the first time in as long as I can remember. Although my overall situation is okay I'm living what I guess you'd call a life style which is very different for me. I had become terribly lost and alone for a long time. It's quite interesting though that as soon as I got back into my transitioning mode - taking hormones again and just starting to live in the gender I truly am, my life began to turn around so much for the better. It can be very hard sometimes though and at Sunday service when they started speaking of Christmas with family and all and then started playing some seasonal music I couldn't hold back the tears. It was all that I could do to try to not let anyone see. I don't think anyone noticed. I just felt so alone and remembered those Christmases with my cats, family, and having a nice place of my own along with being what I believed to be very secure financially - both then and for the future. Life can change quickly and we don't always understand why. Overall I'm so thankful for all of my new friends and the community I've become a part of. I'm so grateful to have been born into this life as the person I am which among so many other things is transgender. Somehow I feel so good about this. I'm happy and grateful to have the process moving along so well. Life is really something isn't it?

I'm also hoping to get back to work. My career was in electronics mostly doing software and hardware test, evaluation, and repair. I also have a great deal of experience in technical writing and also working in the IT department. Right now there's talk of companies needing to have quotas filled in regard to the gender spectrum. I can't honestly say that I'm so much in favor of that but I will certainly take advantage if I can. I can be a great asset to an employer since I can help fill the quota as a transgender and I'd be much more than a token filling a spot, I'm actually very good at what I do. Now I just need to find a decent employer that will feel that way too. If not my old career then I may need to discover my other hidden talents. I like to write and will continue to do that but I'm not so crazy about poverty so a regular job would be nice. I've always done a lot of volunteer work and of course will continue doing that. It's very important to me. If anyone out there thinks they may be interested in what I have to offer as an employee please contact me so we can discuss it and perhaps I could send a copy of my resume.

I seem to have a pretty good following with this blog and it would be so nice to hear from some of you. I find people to be quite fascinating and like to hear your stories. If you'd like you can click here to get to my Facebook page (it should open in a new window). You can always leave comments on the blog or follow my email link to share some thoughts.

I guess that about wraps it up for today. I hope everyone is have a happy holiday season. Let's all be a source of light and love in the world, you know you have so much to offer and are perfect just the way you are. We truly are all manifestations of the divine walking a very special and sacred path in this life. Love, blessings, and happiness to all. Of course a great big hug to you too.