Wednesday August 23, 2017

Having another one of those homesick blues days again. Seems like some days all I can think is, "I wanna go home, I just want to go home". California's okay I suppose, but if I could I would turn back the clock to a time when I was living in Milwaukee on Warren just off of Brady with my 3 cats. A time that I'd been well into my mtf transition and hrt. A time when all those special family, pets, and friends were always close. Back when I had a decent job and I could actually afford a place to live and a normal life, well normal to me anyhow. I suppose that my normal may be defined somewhat different than someone else, but when all is said and done I think we all really just want the same thing - a sense of belonging and some feeling of security while expressing our most sincere self. It just gets so lonely at times.

Looks like a quiet day today. I'm meeting a friend or two for our regular get-together-for-coffee-and-chit-chat. It's nice to spend time with friends. This little get together is mostly with other trans and sometimes a friend or significant other will join us. I like to see the progress everyone is making with hrt and talk about some of our issues. I also really love cookies and they have some pretty good ones there but nobody can ever bake a cookie like my big sister Marie. I had a job in a factory for a while right after high school and often times Marie would send a couple of those super cookies along in my lunch. Those cookies always got the attention of my coworkers and they wanted some. Sorry, I'm a very nice person but when it comes to my cookies I guard them like a lion over her cubs. I suppose we all need something that is just our own, mine would certainly include my cookies. Oh I wish I could just go home.

Tuesday August 22, 2017

I slipped and fell again this morning, nothing serious, but I also took a tumble at church last week while helping out at the community dinner. Last week’s poorly executed gymnastic move did leave me with a nasty scrape on my arm and a slightly sore shoulder. It makes me wonder if maybe my spirit guides are getting bored. I really haven’t been all that entertaining lately so perhaps even an ethereal helper enjoys a bit of slapstick comedy to keep things interesting. I think I’ll put in a request for them to maybe entertain themselves with something like a romance with a happy ending. Ya’ sure we’re all on a special and holy mission as we experience life, but I really should have a little more say in how these things will play out. Is that really so unreasonable? Okay so here it is, the next scene in the drama will be where I meet a special someone - it’s deep and true love at first sight and we both know it, then suddenly and for no apparent reason together we strike it rich beyond our wildest imagination. Of course being true to our spiritual natures the money doesn’t change us. We live happily ever after in our modest cottage on the beach of the tropical island we own and spend spring in our villa in the Swiss Alps. We come back from time to time to stay in one of our mansions here in the US and get around by private jet. When Trump calls for advice we tell him to impeach himself. Ahhh, it’s so nice to be a Piscean dreamer.

Speaking of stumbling and being a dreamer, I’m still getting hit with those anxiety bombs at 2 or 3 in the morning. Maybe I haven’t talked about that. There is a sort of rational basis to it since I did after all spend 7 months being broke and homeless living in the car with my cats. It made quite an impression on me and even though I’m relatively comfortable now there still hasn’t been a full recovery yet. It really could come at any time though, this crazy roller-coaster ride I call my life has had much stranger things happen. Right now I have been getting those abrupt awakenings then lay there unable to fall back to sleep because I’m constantly being poked by those awful demons with their pointy sticks. Those little buggers can sure be relentless. I wonder if maybe it’s actually my guides, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, trying to get my attention by tripping me then stressing me out in the wee hours. Okay guys I get it! Enough with the hauntings already. Pleeeeeze, just tell me what you want.

Okay I need to start getting ready for my book club. By the way, yes, the hormones continue to work their magic. I really feel I should maybe say more about that. This blog is intended to be at least somewhat directed towards what it is to be transgender. Maybe I’m covering it after all. Yes I am transgender but like everyone else, so much more than a label. Well, see y’all later.

Okay To Comment

If anyone has tried to comment on this blog but couldn't please try again. It was a Whoops-Y-Daisy on my part. The settings have been fixed. Sorry for the inconvenience. - Jamie

Thanks Marie.

Sunday August 20, 2017

It's around 7:20 AM and I should be getting ready for church but my mind is buzzing and I need to get it out. It began while adjusting the caffeine and nicotine in my brain to their proper operating levels. Anyhow, everything seems so strange when pausing for a moment to reflect on how incredible it is to be alive and aware of things. If you take a few steps far enough back to see a bigger picture perceptions begin to change quickly. Our home, which is of course the planet Earth, seems pretty big but quickly disappears as a tiny spec in our Solar System. The entire Solar System vanishes into a microscopic fragment in our galaxy. Of course even the gargantuan Milky Way galaxy is something less that an undetectable point in time and space when considering it from the perspective of an incomprehensibly vast universe. Our planet, our solar system, even our entire galaxy come and go in an imperceptible instant in the realm of infinity. But here we are, watching as it takes billions of lifetimes to pass. Okay now convince me that any of this actually existed before I came here to observe and experience it. Ya’ well anyhow, it’s all pretty weird.

Also I’ve been recalling something that I wrote about in ->my book<- the apparitions or whatever you call them (they certainly seem real enough) that appeared and spoke to me then disappeared on several different occasions. I know they were real and there have been other times that some sort of ethereal manifestation appearing just as real as the cup of coffee I’m drinking, made an appearance then vanished with no rational reason for having been there in the first place. If you think about it none of what we so boldly call reality has any real rational explanation for existing at all does it? I have to admit that there have been times that I seriously doubted my sanity because these things are just too far out and don’t seem to fit in the paradigm of socially acceptable experiences. Then how much of what I or anyone else experiences really fits any “acceptable” set of rules? Well I really have questioned my sanity more than just a few times. The conclusion is, ”Oh what the heck does it matter if I’m sane or not? And just who will be the judge of such nonsense anyhow?” Enough of this, I need to get ready for church.

Saturday August 19, 2017

Haven't updated in a few days - busy busy busy. This blog is something like a diary and between this and my book I sometimes have a feeling like I'm standing naked in front of the world. That's okay, this is meant to be a sincere and open sharing of day to day things, it just came as a bit of a surprise. Well anyhow...

Days are becoming quite interesting, almost dreamlike at times. It's really sinking in that I'm back on my path of transitioning again. Everyone's calling me Jamie, you can't imagine how good that makes me feel. Some may see it as just a name, But it's my name. It just feels like I'm becoming me again. I am seeing the effects of the hormones more and more. Estrogen in my system gives me a feeling of being normal. There was a time that my doctor, before knowing about me being transgender, had done blood work which showed I naturally have a rather low testosterone level. He talked me into very reluctantly trying a treatment to boost testosterone. Arrrrrrrrgh!!! After a day of that I was going crazy and had to stop. When I finally told him about myself he agreed to prescribe male to female hormone replacement therapy (mtf-hrt), he also apologized for pushing the T booster, but he didn't know and was just giving the best care he could. Once back on hrt, the testosterone blocker worked quickly and the estrogen began to fill my system I felt so much more normal in just a few days. I guess this is just the way I'm meant to be, well I knew that all along.

This Little Light Of Mine - Jamie

Please check out my latest book   This Little Light Of Mine.

Tuesday August 15, 2017 - 7:00 AM

Time is sure flying by. It's already the middle of August. Our little garden at church is pouring out a cornucopia of vegetables. I work with Joan pretty much all the time, I really like her. There's something very Zen in taking care of a garden. Gardening is simple but at the same time focused and relaxing even though it can be hard work at times. The funny thing about something being simple or complicated is really just a matter of perspective. The most complicated of tasks or gadgets is that a complex system is made up of a lot of very simple things, it really is all how you look at it. My old friend Rocky taught me that and how to apply it to anything including writing software and designing hardware, Regardless of the task, technical or otherwise, it can always be broken down to much simpler items and every step along the way follows the very basic algorithm of Input>Subroutines>Output. It really is just that simple.

Sorry, I got sidetracked.

So I really like working with Joan. She teaches me a lot and we're beginning to share more and more personal or intimate things about ourselves. She's very intelligent. Joan and her husband John are very kind and intelligent people and I like them both. They seem to belong together. Joan and I do get a bit of a laugh sometimes, she has a rather strong personality but as I said very intelligent and considerate. I on the other hand tend to be rather passive or submissive although I do assert myself when I choose to. This is something that works well for me in a general way - being around a dominant personality. I'm not saying Joan is dominating person, she see's what needs to be done then does it expecting others to jump in and pull their weight. I have to be a little careful about people I get close to because if they are dominating but not in a nice way I can be overwhelmed and get myself in a bit of trouble. Now I'm laughing, laughing, laughing - you'll just have to read my book to understand. Or maybe keep reading this blog as it grows. I do hope you hang around a while.

Well I'm writing this in the rather early morning, it's around 7:30. Busy day today. I have my book reading group at 10:00 then I will be volunteering as usual for the Community Dinner our church offers to anyone wishing to come for a very nice meal. I love our little church and the people I;m getting to know. My other friend Joy will be at the group, I really like joy and we're also becoming close. Jeanne will also be there. Jeanne and I have been hanging out occasionally for a while. She's very encouraging in me moving along in my current transition, actually everybody has been. I love them all so much.

Here's a couple of pictures from yesterday at the garden.